Through the Looking Glass
by Shutterbug5269
Summary: What if Castle had taken the bullet meant for Kate at the end of Knockout?
1. Writer Down

**Through The Looking Glass**

* * *

**Chapter One  
****Writer Down**

They carried Captain Montgomery's flag draped coffin from the hearse to it's place over his grave. The pipe and drum corps preceding them to the tapping of drums. The four of them who knew him best and kept his dark secret between them would lay their beloved Captain, their friend, their mentor to rest. In spite of everything, he would be missed. Kate Beckett stepped up to the podium and began her eulogy.

"_Roy Montgomery taught me what it meant to be a cop.  
He taught me that we are bound by our choices, but we are more than our mistakes."_

Her words were clipped in that manner of speaking she used when she was trying very hard to keep her emotions in check. Though she meant every word, Castle could see the conflict in her body language, see the war going on behind her eyes as she continued speaking of the legacy that she would have wanted her mentor and substitute father figure to leave behind, but was forever shattered for her. She had forgiven him, but she could never forget what he had done. What he had been a part of.

"_And if you're very lucky, you find someone willing to stand with you"_

Kate paused and looked over at Rick Castle when she said it, hoping to convey absolution and "I'm sorry" with a single look.

As she finished her eulogy, a mirrored glint caught Castle's eye off in the distance. A flash of metal that was incongruous with the sea of marble and grass, something menacing, a shadow behind one of the grave markers. He immediately swept across the the remaining distance between him and Kate and leaped for her, catching her in the midsection in a flying tackle as the loud crack of a high powered sniper rifle broke the silence.

"_Castle!"_ Kate shouted, _"What the hell!"_ But, there was no reply, she felt something wet as she rolled out from under Rick Castle's dead weight.

"_Castle!"_ she cried out again as she rolled him over and her white gloves came back dark red.

"_Castle, wake up! Please!"_ She cried out and shook him.

He moaned and his eyes fluttered open. They were dilated and unfocused. She could hear Alexis screaming somewhere behind her, but Lanie and Espo held her down, kept her out of the possible line of fire.

"_Rick! Stay with me, please!" _ She cried out to him desperately.

"_Kate..."_ He mumbled as though half asleep, as she desperately tried to staunch the blood coming out of the wound in his chest. He reached up and grabbed the lapel of her uniform, she looked down into his eyes and just before the light faded from them,

"_I love you, Kate"_

_**...**  
_

Twice he had gone into fibrillation on the ambulance as Kate looked on in horror, and twice Lanie had brought him back from the brink of death. The paramedics worked to stabilize him, tried to keep the worst of the bleeding under control. She worked frantically, like a woman possessed. She knelt over him covered in his blood keeping his heart beating seemingly through willpower alone.

"_Richard Castle, don't you die on me, you son of a bitch!"_

Kate tried to keep up with the paramedics as they wheeled him into the OR but she could barely keep one foot moving in front of another. She dropped into a chair in the waiting room, pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapped her arms around them and began to cry.

"_It's all my fault"_ she said quietly.

Martha Rodgers sat down next to her, put a hand on her shoulder and said _"Kate Beckett, don't you dare blame yourself, you are not the one who shot him!"_

"_But I am the one he was shooting at"_ Kate said her voice hollowed out, she had nothing left. _"Alexis could lose her father because I couldn't let this goddamn case go." _and burst into another fit of tears on Martha's shoulder.

**….**

Kate didn't didn't know what to expect when she approached the door to Rick's room. Though he'd only been in the ICU for one night, to her it had felt like an eternity, the last words he had said to her before he faded out were still ringing in her ears, twisting in her heart like a knife in her heart.

"_Kate...I love you."_

As much as she wanted to confess her love for him, kiss him and be with him forever, her one and done, she knew what she had to do.

She knew it and she hated herself for it.

Rick visibly brightened when she came into the room, and her heart felt like it had been gripped in gauntlet of ice.

They made small talk for a few minutes, as Martha and Alexis retreated to give them privacy. As soon as the door closed behind them her expression turned to stone.

"_Rick we can't do this anymore. Your family can't afford to lose you, I can't have you shadow me any more. If you try to go to Mayor Weldon, I'll transfer out."_ she said with no trace of the crushing guilt she felt in her heart left in her voice.

"_But Kate, I..."_ Rick tried to say, but she silenced him with glare.

"_No Rick, don't,"_ she said _"I told you we were done, and I meant it. Don't come back."_

Then she turned on her heel and walked briskly out the door. As soon as it closed behind her, her cold demeanor evaporated. She cast a mournful glance at Martha and Alexis and as she passed them, she said, _"He said he loved me, but I'm a poison to him, I destroy everything I touch. He's better off without me."_ and then walked away. As soon as the elevator doors closed in front of her she she slid down to the floor and broke down her sobs echoing in the confined space.


	2. Bloodied and Bowed

**Chapter Two  
Bloodied and Bowed.**

* * *

It had been only a week since they had arrived at the house in The Hamptons, but Rick Castle hadn't spoken to anyone since his muttered _"Don't wanna..."_ when Ryan and Espo had helped manhandle him out of the loft and into the car. Not even to Alexis, who had tried every way she could think of in a vain effort to engage him. Even the _"emergency cheering-up pancakes"_ sat on a tray on the end table only partially eaten. He just sat up in bed and stared blankly out the window at the ocean. It broke her heart to know that even this could not raise her father from the dark depression he had settled into after Kate had dropped her bomb on them and left.

_For the first time in her life her father simply wasn't there._ She looked into his eyes and saw...nothing. As if he had pulled himself all the way inside his own head and nobody could get him to come out. _Nobody except for Kate, and she's abandoned him._ She thought ruefully. Alexis fled to her room, buried herself in her pillow and cried. Her choking sobs echoed throughout the house.

"_Damn you, Kate Beckett! Damn you to hell, you self-absorbed, arrogant, unfeeling _BITCH_!"_

She hadn't realized she had yelled those words out loud until Grams appeared at her bedside. She immediately sat next to her and ran a soothing hand down her back. Alexis pulled herself up and latched on to her grandmother as if she were drowning.

"_How could Kate do that to dad when he needed her most?"_she sobbed into Martha's ear.

"_I don't know, sweetie, I think she's just afraid...for him, for us..."_ but she stopped because her words seemed suddenly inaccurate. _"She blames herself."_

"_I _hate_ her."_ Alexis said, spite and venom dripping from every pore of her being.

Martha slapped her in the face. _"Don't you ever say that again! She was wounded almost as much as your father, she just can't face it yet. She thinks she's doing what's right, she just doesn't know how much more damage she's done."_ She was on the verge of tears.

Alexis was shocked. No one had ever struck her before. Gramms hadn't hit her hard, but it had just enough behind it to drive her point home. She stared up at her grandmother who was just as shocked by what she had done and then was swept up in her embrace again as they both whispered apologies to each other over and over again.

They would do what they could to pick up the pieces. They had to.

….

Three weeks later

Kate Beckett surged into her apartment and tossed her empty holster onto the couch. Her face was a contorted mass of rage as she changed out of her business casual attire into exercise gear. Her latest argument with the new captain ringing in her ears. The two of them had never quite seen eye to eye, especially after she had shut down their investigation into Castle's shooting at the cemetery and turned it over to the detectives at the 19th. She had been skirting the line of insubordination and been curt and short with everyone in the precinct since she had made her break from Rick at the hospital. Even Lanie wanted little to do with her lately in her current state.

Then today she had gotten a bit too rough with a suspect, which had resulted in an excessive force complaint. Iron Gates had personally dragged her out of the bullpen shoved her into her office and slammed the door.

"_Badge and gun, Detective,_ NOW." She'd said with cold clarity.

"_What the hell, sir?"_ she shot back with a little too much venom.

"_You're suspended, Beckett, thirty days, for excessive force."_ Gates said, glaring at her.

"_Excessive?"_ she shouted, _"you call _that_ excessive?"_

"_And tack on another _SIXTY_ days for insubordination. Badge and gun, _NOW_!"_ Gates' eyes were dark cinders boring into her soul.

Kate pulled her service weapon from it's holster, ejected the clip onto her desk, and worked the bolt. The bullet ejected from the chamber and bounced across the floor. She dropped the now safed pistol onto the captain's desk, then pulled her badge from her belt and dropped it there as well. Shooting Gates a dark, challenging look she stormed out and slammed the door shut behind her.

She grabbed her coat and ignored the questioning looks from Ryan and Espo as she stalked to the elevator. Not even their best whipped puppy expressions could soften the blow.

Back in her apartment, Kate was fuming, she needed to run, needed to empty her head. When she was working she didn't have to think about the terrible things she'd done. The godawful thing she'd done to the one man she would ever love, when she knew he needed her most. Now she had three months to look forward to with nothing to do _but_ think. It was tearing her apart.

Kate stopped in her tracks when she heard a quiet, insistent knocking on her door. She thought at first that it must be one of the boys, she had been so unfair to them lately that she was surprised they would even speak to her again. It was like something out of Edgar Allen Poe. When she pulled open her door she saw the last person she would have ever expected to darken her doorway.

Alexis Castle.

The dark circles under her eyes attested to the fact that she had slept no better in the last three weeks than Kate had. Must she destroy everyone? Even this innocent girl?

"_Kate, please, we need your help, it's dad."_

The petite redhead's eyes were brimming over with tears, like a dam had burst.

"_He doesn't sleep, doesn't write, he barely eats, and he hasn't spoken to anyone, not even me, since you left the hospital. He just sits in bed and stares out the window."_ Alexis' breathing came in short, ragged gasps between words, _"Grams and I have tried everything, but it's like he's just stopped. Like he's willing himself to die. I don't know what to do."_

Kate was stunned. She just stood there staring at the floor, unable to meet her eyes.

_'What have I done?'_ Kate thought to herself. _"I've only made things worse."_ Then it hit her.

"_Alexis, how did you get here from The Hamptons?"_

"_I took the town car from the garage,"_ she said dully, _"It was the only one with an automatic transmission"_

"_Alexis, you don't have a driver's license, do you have any idea..." _Kate was stopped short when Alexis dropped to her knees and began to sob.

"_Dad said, that if anything ever happened to him, I was supposed to turn to you. That you would look after me, he said you'd promised. Are you going to abandon me, too? Like you abandoned him? Please, Kate, please, he's all I've got..."_

Kate dropped to her knees beside the heartbroken girl, her promise to Rick Castle ringing in her ears. Her own composure evaporated. Tears were streaming down her cheeks as she repeated her apologies to Alexis, begging for her forgiveness.


	3. Recovery and Redemption

**Chapter Three  
****Recovery and Redemption**

Kate Beckett dropped her two suitcases inside the door of Rick's summer home in the Hamptons. It was smaller and cozier than she would have expected. Not much larger inside, space-wise than the loft in Manhattan. "_Though"_ she thought to herself "_that may have been a selling point to Rick back when he bought it."_ Alexis followed behind with her duffel bag in a drowsy stupor, she had slept most of the drive back to the Hamptons in the town car after helping her pack. Thankfully she only had to reverse the directions on the car's GPS having never been here before.

She'd had a lot of thinking to do on the two hour drive. About herself, about what Rick had said to her while lying bleeding in the cemetery that day. About what she had done to him thoughtlessly in her own panic and confusion. She'd sent texts before she left to Ryan, Espo, and Lanie, apologizing for the way she'd been behaving lately, and letting them know where she was going to be during her suspension.

_I've got to put this right,_ Kate thought to herself, _I have to._

Martha came running out and grabbed Alexis, _"Alexis! Where have you been? I've been worried sick!"_

"_We needed help," _Alexis muttered _"so I went and got help." _

Only then did Martha look up and see who had come in the door with her. Fire bloomed just under the surface of her eyes before she blinked it back.

"_Kate...how_ nice _of you bring Alexis back."_ she said with a guarded, neutral expression, _"will you be staying for dinner?"_

"_Martha, I..."_ Kate began to say, but the apology died on her lips as soon as their eyes met. She felt like she was choking on ashes as her face fell and she suddenly developed what appeared to be a fascination with the floor between her shoes. _"No. _I'm sorry_ doesn't even _begin_ to make up for what I did...to him, to everyone."_

"_No Kate, it doesn't, not even close." _Martha said quietly,_ "But it's a place to start, though Alexis and I are not the ones you should be saying it to." _

Martha pointed to the staircase, _"His room is at the top of the stairs, if you _truly_ intend to help, you certainly have your work cut out for you."_

Kate slowly crept up the stairs, a sense of impending dread settling in the pit of her stomach with every step. She wasn't sure if she was ready for this, but she stubbornly screwed on her courage as she reached out for the doorknob, turned it, and opened the door.

Just as Alexis had described, Rick was sitting up in bed, staring out the window. She had never seen him so gaunt and withdrawn. His blue eyes seemed to have no luster at all. She could barely stand to look at him, what _she_ had done to him. Her heart clenched in her chest, and then the tears came.

"_Castle,"_ she said in a harsh whisper, but he barely twitched his eyes in her direction.

"_Castle!"_ she said louder, desperate to reach him, _"Castle, please! Look at me, I'm right here!"_

Rick turned his head and fixed his empty tired eyes at her and said, _"Kate, go away, just go away and leave me alone."_ Then turned his eyes back to the window and closed them as if she were a mirage he could make disappear.

"_No, Castle, I'm not going to leave you, not like this."_ she cried out plaintively, _"Your family needs you, your daughter needs you, and I..."_

"_You what, Kate?"_ Rick interjected, as a flash of anger lit up his blue eyes, _"Why should I believe you won't turn your back on me like you did before?"_

"_Because I need you, Rick. I...I...love you. I always have."_ and Kate burst into tears, buried her head in the mattress next to him and sobbed piteously.

As if by reflex, unbidden, Rick's hand began brushing through her hair. Kate's obvious distress and pain reached out to him like nothing else could. It breached the gulf between himself and the rest of the world that he had subconsciously formed to protect himself. A gulf even his daughter had not been able to cross. As angry and hurt as he may yet be, he still loved her and could not bear to see her in pain. She could not have hurt him quite so badly if he didn't.

He wasn't ready to forgive her yet, and he wasn't sure he ever would, but this was at least a place to start. Perhaps even a reason to get out of bed tomorrow. As Kate slowly cried herself out, she looked up at him, took his hand and whispered, _"Get some sleep, Rick. Tomorrow we get you back up. I need my partner back."_

Rick slid down into the covers and Kate tucked the blankets around him. She knew this conversation wasn't over. She knew he hadn't forgiven her _"And maybe he shouldn't."_ she thought to herself. _"I know I haven't."_ Right now, all she could do was love him, and try to help him to heal. Tonight she needed to get some sleep herself and pray the damage she had done to him and his family wasn't permanent.

….

They started small. Over the first few days, Kate took Castle for short shuffling walks through the house, careful not to put too much stress on his heart. As his atrophied muscles slowly began to respond and tone up, she started him on a very simplified version of her own workout routine. Within a few weeks she had him walking out to the beach and back, working with light weights, and very short laps in the pool.

More than once, he woke in the middle of the night, screaming. Shocked awake by very vivid nightmares that had her swiftly crossing the distance from her room to his. The one he had most often was of him kneeling over her broken, dying body in the cemetery, telling her he loved her and begging her not to die as she bled out in his arms. It brought tears to her eyes to hear him recount it to her.

By the end of the second month she had him jogging short distances, doing free weights and multiple laps in the pool. She even managed to teach him some of her mixed martial arts, and they took to sparring regularly. (sometimes she would even let him win) The change in his demeanor was enough to make her dizzy. She watched him play lazer tag and have lightsaber duels with Alexis, who was happy to have her father back. It was as heart warming as it was weird to watch. She remembered how confused she had been the first time she had come to their door to find a lazer gun shoved in her face. She could laugh about it now, but it had seriously weirded her out at the time. Regardless, it was good to see both of them laugh again. He was beginning to get back some of his old lust for life, though she could sometimes see a dark edge to him when he thought nobody was looking.

Espo had told her in one of their long telephone conversations to be wary of the signs of PTSD. Not to take his outbursts personally. She knew he should probably see a therapist, if the new Captain would allow him back she might actually insist upon it.

By the middle of the third month he could probably pass the police academy physical exam. He was nearly her fighting equal in the sparring circle they had set up in the yard, was doing regular swims in the ocean, he was even beginning to wear her out on their runs along the beach. (He had even finished Heat Rises and sent it to Black Pawn, without her even noticing)

It was almost time for her to go back to work and she was not looking forward to it. Neither was Castle, it seemed, or his family. She had already gotten a phone call from Gates, telling her when to report back to work. The new captain had even kept the reprimand out of her file, though she couldn't think of a good reason why. She'd been a bitch to the woman since she'd taken over.

Castle wouldn't be able to return to the precinct right away. He had to do publicity for Heat Rises but at least she knew he _wanted_ to come back it was a balm to her soul. It was like she'd said when she first arrived.

She needed her partner back. Until this very moment, she hadn't realized just how much she needed him.


	4. Rise

**Chapter Four  
****Rise**

Kate knew that her first day back at the precinct was going to be awkward. She assumed that the boys would have some sort of hazing prepared given the length of her suspension and how much of a bitch she'd been during the weeks leading up to it. She rolled her eyes when she got to her desk though. They'd replaced the nameplate which usually read _"Det. Beckett"_ with one reading _"Mistress Kate"_. She just knew that today was going to involve all sorts of lighthearted _"fun"_ at her expense. _"Game on," _she thought to herself, _"bring it on boys."_

Ryan and Esposito were at their own desks snickering, trying to feign innocence. She picked up the feaux nameplate and gave them a mild "death glare."

"_Seriously?"_ she said casually _"This is the best you can do?"_

Trying hard to keep his composure, Ryan said, _"The real one is in your bottom drawer."_

She yanked it open and when she reached in to retrieve her nameplate, beneath it in the drawer was a coiled up whip and a section of chain. She performed the requisite faceplam with a sigh, replaced the _"Mistress Kate"_ nameplate on her desk with the one that belonged there and slammed the drawer shut. _"It's gonna be a long day."_ she thought to herself.

"_Detective Beckett,"_ Captain Gates appeared at the doorway to her office. _"come in here, please, and shut the door behind you."_

"_Yes sir."_ Kate said, and the snickering from the peanut gallery quit almost immediately. Gates obviously had the two of them cowed. She would only tolerate so much unprofessionalism in _"her"_ precinct.

"_Your badge and gun, Detective." _Gates said as she passed over her badge and Glock 19. "_I trust your _vacation _in the Hamptons was productive?" _

Kate slid home the magazine into her sidearm, holstered it and slid her badge back onto her belt. _"Castle is doing much better, yes. He's wondering when he can come back and help out, once he's finished his publicity rounds for the new book."_

"_About that,"_ Gates said. _"I don't think that will be happening. I don't like the idea of dilettante writers interfering in police business. There's also his safety to consider. He's a civilian, and has no business working cases in my precinct. Are we clear, Detective?"_

"_Yes, sir. I'll tell him."_ and Kate's face fell. She wasn't looking forward to giving him that piece of information. She wasn't sure how many disappointments he could take. This was going to be hard. The boys saw her long face when she came out of Gates' office and all pretense of hazing fell sharply away. They knew what it had been about.

"_She gave you the bad news about Castle, didn't she?"_ Espo said. _"Bro takes a bullet for one of us and this is the thanks he gets, being kicked to the curb."_

"_This isn't right,"_ Ryan added, _"doesn't she know how high our clearance rate was with him around?_ _dilettante writer_, my ass_."_

"_We'll see about that,"_ Kate said, _"until then we have a job to do."_

Esposito stopped to answer his phone then looked up at Kate, _"We caught a case, Beckett, you in?"_

"_No,"_ Kate replied, _"I think I'll sit this one out."_ Then, as her reinstatement wasn't official until the next day, she grabbed her jacket and her bag and headed out the door.

…**.**

The line for Rick's book signing for Heat Rises wrapped around the corner. He'd been signing books all afternoon, and his wrist was beginning to cramp. He'd lost track of how many times he'd heard the same old questions over and over, to which he gave the same flashy grin and asked who to sign it to.

That is until...

"_Kate,"_ Beckett said, _"you can make it out to Kate."_ He was so surprised to see her, that he nearly dropped his sharpie, he thought she'd be up to her pretty neck in a case by now and forgotten all about his book signing today. Not that he wasn't pleasantly surprised though. He hadn't heard from her since they got back from the Hamptons.

After the book signing was over, and he thanked the owner of the store for having him, he was again pleasantly surprised that she had waited for him. She seemed to be lost in thought, like something was really bothering her. He motioned her to the small park across the street and they sat on the swings. She was still cradling her copy of Heat Rises.

"_I liked the dedication."_ she said finally.

"_Seemed right."_ he replied.

"_Must have been hard to write that ending."_ she said, a look of concern knit her brow as she chewed on her lip.

"_Yeah,"_ he said, as a shadow seemed to cross his eyes, _"yeah, given the circumstances. I wrote that scene right after I woke up from a pretty vivid nightmare. I kinda had to get it out, you know? I almost didn't use it."_

"_Castle, I can't apologize enough for what I did after you were shot, it was wrong."_ She said, unable to meet his eyes.

"_After my mom was killed something inside me just changed. It's like I put up this wall inside me, I just didn't want to be hurt that way again."_ She paused for a moment to steady herself and continued, _"I don't think I'll be able to have the kind of relationship I want until that wall comes down, and that isn't going to happen til I put this to rest."_

Castle took her empty hand in both of his, but said nothing, just quietly trying to reassure her that he wasn't going anywhere. That his feelings for her hadn't changed. She met his eyes finally, and a look of gratitude washed over her face.

"_Well I suppose we're just going to have to find these guys and take em down."_

Kate gave him a sly grin and said, _"There's one problem, how are you going to help, if Gates won't let you back in?"_

Rick gave her a mischievous wink of his own and said, _"You leave that to me."_

She gave him that wicked half smile she got when she knew he was up to something, and then they walked away arm in arm in the direction of his loft.

**The next day**

**Captain Gates' office**

As Rick and Kate stood waiting on the other side of her desk, Gates was on the phone getting something she usually preferred to give than receive, a harsh reaming out, courtesy of New York City's Mayor. Kate kept her face neutral, but she had to admit she kinda enjoyed seeing Gates in this position.

"_Yes mister Mayor."_

"_Sir I understand."_

"_OK, I..."_ followed by a loud click and a dial tone.

When Captain Gates looked up at them she was clearly not happy at being outmaneuvered.

"_You think you're clever, Mr. Castle?"_ The dark look in her eyes seeking to burn a hole in his forehead, _"Going behind my back like that?"_

"_Let me tell you the score, I don't care how powerful your friends are, Screw up at all on my watch and I'll prosecute you to the fullest extent of the law, you understand me?"_

"_Yes ma'am."_ Castle said.

"_Sir"_ she corrected.

"_Sir,"_ he echoed.

"_Now get out of my office."_

Castle beat a hasty retreat, as Captain Gates finished her tirade with Kate. And then saw her make her own retreat, slightly less amused as she had been while Gates was on the phone with the mayor.

"_Showing her up with the mayor?"_ she said in a stage whisper, _"You may as well have beaten a beehive with a bat."_

Gates came out shortly thereafter and sent them out to pick up the suspect in the Sonya Gilbert murder case. For the first time in nearly four months the whole team was back together.

As they exited her Crown Vic, Kate noticed that Castle was having trouble getting his vest on. His hands shook uncontrollably over the straps. She took his hand, and finished tightening the Velcro straps for him.

"_You OK, Castle?"_ she asked him, worry plain on her face.

"_Just jitters, Kate, I'm fine."_ he replied as he got the shaking under control and gave her a reassuring smile. _"Lets do this."_

The take-down of Sonya's most recent boyfriend, Dale, their prime suspect, had one surprise in store. A handgun. Castle's eyes went wide at the sight of it's barrel pointed right at him, panic spreading on his face. Kate froze when she saw his expression, but Ryan and Espo were on him in an instant and he surrendered peacefully after that.

They hauled the man away, but Castle was still rooted to the spot. He was pale, and his eyes were still wide. His left hand shaking visibly as he clutched at the bullet wound on his chest. His breathing coming in shallow, ragged gasps.

"_Castle,"_ she said, visibly shaken by his condition, _"you okay?"_

"_I will be, Kate."_ He replied quietly, _"I just need some time."_

Kate took his hand and and said, _"Don't worry, Rick, we'll get through this together, I'm not walking away this time."_ And they made their way back to her car.

Later that night, Kate had stayed for dinner at the Castle loft at Martha's insistence. His mother knew that it was good for him to have her be around more. Especially after a day like today. She hadn't seen him shut down like that since she first walked into his room in the Hamptons. She would have to keep her eyes open in case it happened again. She didn't think she could take seeing him hurt again.

Rick got up and helped her put on her coat as she headed for the door. He knew he would be going back in the morning. He wasn't going to get a handle on his fears if he shut himself in the loft. He wanted his life back, all of it. Including Kate.

As he turned around, Alexis was staring at him with a haunted expression on her face.

"_You're going back, aren't you?"_ she said quietly, _"In spite of everything that's happened, you're _still_ going back."_

Rick put his hands on her shoulders, kissed the top of her head lightly, and replied, _"I have to pumpkin, If I don't go out there and face this, I don't think I'll ever be whole again."_

"_You were shot, you almost died!"_ she said as the tears cascaded down her face, _"You need to grow up dad, you're a writer, not a cop! Quit pretending!"_ then she broke away from him, ran to her room and slammed the door.

Kate Beckett turned her key in the lock on her apartment door, and shortly after she locked the door behind her, her cell phone began to ring. She didn't recognize the number, but her curiosity got the better of her.

"_Detective Beckett, you don't know me, but I'm a friend of Roy Montgomery's. It's about Richard Castle's shooting."_

Kate's heart froze in her chest. She could hardly breathe. _"Go on,"_ she said.

"_I received a set of files from him just after Mr. Castle was shot. They're about your mother's shooting. I know you were the intended target."_

It was like a dark shadow had descended on her soul. She could feel her self teetering closer and closer to the rabbit whole that has always threatened to swallow her whole.

"_He has more enemies, and you have more allies than you know, Detective. If we are going to have any hope of taking him down we need you to back off. To leave this alone. We'll contact you when the time is right"_

"_But my mother..." _She began to say, but the mysterious man cut her off.

"_This is bigger than your mother's case. We need you to stand down, Detective, a deal has been brokered which should keep you and Richard Castle's family safe, but it will only hold if he thinks you've backed off."_

It was the only thing he could have said that would have stopped her. She had to keep Rick, Alexis and Martha safe. She couldn't allow what had happened to him to happen again, she owed him that. It was one thing to risk her own life, she had considered it forfeit the day she entered the academy, but she couldn't allow her selfish need for revenge to hurt the people she loved. It would fly in the face of everything her mother stood for.

"_Okay,"_ she said quietly, _"I can do that, for now."_

"_Good,"_ he said, _"Keep your people safe, I'll be in touch."_

Before he hung up he added, _"Don't worry Detective, we will get him, once everything is in place, we'll let you know, we want you and Mr. Castle to be a part of it."_

Kate threw her cell phone down onto her coffee table curled up on her couch and cried.

….

There had been a break in the case. They had found it with Castle's help, of course. After Ryan had discovered (much to Espo's chagrin) that both Dale, and Sonia Gilbert had been drugged that Rick had postulated that someone else had to have been in the apartment.

When they went back to the crime scene and checked it out, Rick found where the third guy had been hiding under the bed, and dusted for prints. His name was Mitch Yancy, a former lover of Sonia Gilbert's, and they rolled out to bring him in for questioning.

When they burst in, he ran, Kate immediately gave chase, and Castle was right on her heels. She was several paces ahead of him when she burst through the doorway, only to be hit from behind with the butt of the shotgun he was carrying. The blow struck her right between the shoulder blades and she went down, her gun skittering across the room.

Castle stopped in his tracks, the panic beginning to take root again, only this time it was Kate on the floor staring into the barrel of a gun. He shook it off and slammed bodily into Yancy, grabbed the pump of the shotgun and pushing it out of the way with one hand, and pounding the other into his face, once twice, three times, til he relinquished the shotgun, and dropped unconscious to the floor.

Rick stood over Mitch Yancy trying to get his breathing under control as Ryan and Espo ran into the room. Espo took possession of Yancy's shotgun, recognizing immediately the look on his face for what it was.

"_Easy, Castle,"_ he said, _"we got ya."_ as the room began to spin, and Espo eased him gently to the floor, then everything went black.

When he came to he had an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth, and an EMT was tending to his bloodied knuckles, telling him to breathe deeply. Kate was sitting across from him with a very concerned look on her face.

"_You had me worried for a minute there."_ She said, then planted a kiss on his cheek.

"_That was for having my back in there."_

"_That's what partners are for."_ He said back, and after the EMT nodded that it was OK, he took off the oxygen mask and they got out of the back of the ambulance and headed for Kate's Crown Vic.

They got the right guy, the one who had killed Sonya Gilbert. _"It wasn't enough,"_ Kate thought to herself as she looked next to her at Rick in the passenger seat, _"but it would have to be enough for now."_ until then she would do everything she could to keep the people she loved safe.

However it was good to know that when the time came, she wouldn't have to do it alone.

* * *

**Author's note** I'm not going to go down through every episode like this, just the few pivotal episodes to their relationship.


	5. Of Things Not Lost

**Chapter Five  
Of Things Not Lost**

An explosion ripped through the the bank shattering windows and ejecting debris from the bank all over the street. The shock wave of the blast violently shook the tactical trailer and those inside. Once the shaking stopped, a single thought ripped through Kate Beckett's mind. _"Castle!"_ Her heart rate climbed as her mind went numb. As if in a daze she slowly walked to the door of the trailer opened it and stepped outside, staring at the blown out exterior of what had once been a bank. _"No...not again"_ she thought. She could hear Alexis screaming from behind the police barricades, being held back by two uniformed officers. The two people she loved most in this world were still in there somewhere.

Kate closed her eyes and squeezed them tight, until she was sure she had her emotions firmly locked behind the persona that is "_Detective Kate Beckett, NYPD"_ and buttoned up the shirt of her paramedic disguise from earlier. Trying hard not to picture Castle's face from inside the bank, not wanting it to be the last memory she had of him. Not allowing herself to hope that he and Martha had survived, nor allowing herself to succumb to the worst case scenario.

She stopped at her Crown Victoria just long enough to grab her body armor from the trunk and her holstered gun and badge from her pile of clothes in the front seat. She quickly tucked the dark blue shirt into her pants, belted on her gun, strapped on her vest, and stacked up behind the ESU Tactical Squad members. She drew her gun and followed them inside.

_"Castle!"_ she shouted as loud as she could. She kept shouting his name, not caring if anyone could hear the desperation creep into her voice, until she came near the gate in front of the bank vault and heard a muffled _"Beckett!"_ coming from inside. It was the sweetest sound she had heard since she walked out of there not long before.

"They're here!" she shouted back towards the ESU officers still searching the bank behind her as she holstered her Glock and quick stepped into the vault. She had never seen anything so beautiful in all her life as his jaunty half wave from the other side of the gate. The ghost of a smile on his lips.

She couldn't keep the silly grin off of her face as she cut his bindings, grabbed his lapel and kissed him full on the mouth. She had been holding back on the displays of affection since his shooting, especially on the job, as she didn't want to push him too hard or hamper his emotional recovery, but she couldn't help herself now. She had damned near lost him for the second time today, and she could care less who saw her.

_"He's not the only one here, you know."_ Martha said, grinning, after enjoying the show, raising her bound hands up to emphasize her point. Kate pulled back from Castle, whispered an embarrassed apology and cut her bindings, before helping them both up. Her unfettered joy and relief evident on her face as they walked out of the vault.

After they conferred with the ESU Captain, they walked outside. After placing the pregnant bank teller in the hands of the paramedics to be checked out Castle looked up and saw Alexis shout _"Daddy!"_ and nearly tackled him. He pulled her tight as Martha joined in. Kate hung back, as the young girl looked her in the eyes, wet with tears as she tried to express her gratitude. Castle got them both into a cab as quickly as he could and sent them back to the loft. There was still a mystery to solve and the mastermind of this incident to catch.

**Later that evening**

Kate had locked the door of her apartment, having arrived home late after the impromptu celebration she had shared with Rick and his family. A family she found herself becoming more and more a part of than she would have believed even a few short hours ago. The summer in the Hamptons had bonded them closer than any of them would have believed. She had wanted nothing quite as much as to join Rick, Alexis and Martha in that group hug, to lose herself in that moment.

It wasn't until she had changed and curled up in bed that she realized that this time he had nearly been taken from her through no fault of her own. This incident would have happened even if she had never reopened her mother's case. It would have happened even if she hadn't rejected him before Captain Montgomery's death or after Castle had been shot at his funeral. How many times had she held back out of fear, or out of the misguided need to solve her mother's murder at the expense of her happiness?

Sometimes things randomly happen in an instant to take people she loved away from her and life is too damned short. From this day forward, she wasn't going to wait or accept half measures any more. Her mother's case was no longer in her hands. It was time foe her to stop hiding, and start living.


	6. Kill Shot

**Chapter Six  
****Kill Shot**

Castle hadn't gotten much sleep that night, nor most nights in the week since the bank robbery. He had put up a good enough front at the impromptu celebration his mother had put on that even Kate hadn't managed to pick up on it, and she was generally more in synch with him than most.

Alexis had been distracted because of her own fear for him and mother, not to mention her breakup with Ashley. Seeing his daughter heartbroken had distracted him too, for a time, and Martha was just happy to be alive. It had taken everything he had to keep it together in the bank after Kate had left, and having Trapper John's gun in his face had shaken him to the core. The bank being wired with C4 hadn't helped. The only thing that had put iron in his spine was the fact that Alexis was out there and so was Kate. He had to keep them safe, it was the most important thing in his world right now. The only thing that could gave him perspective.

When his cell phone rang, he jumped. He was a lot more jumpy and nervous lately, more than he had been since he came back from the Hamptons. He couldn't put his finger on it.

It was Beckett, another body had dropped.

When he arrived on the scene, the body had a name, Sarah Vasquez, she had been shot in the chest from long range. As soon as that had been pointed out, everybody began to look sideways at him as if they were afraid to discuss in his presence. He looked at her body and saw the hole dead center in her chest. It made the matching one he had itch. He hadn't realized he had been clutching his right hand to his chest until Kate had pulled him aside away from everyone else.

"You all right Castle?" She asked, an expression of unwavering concern on her face.

He swallowed and replied, "I'm OK, just took me by surprise is all." as he got the shaking in his hands under control.

Back in the medical examiner's lab, Lanie was giving them the rundown on what they found. Sarah Vasquez had definitely been killed by a sniper's bullet, though she and Espo had gone to some length to avoid saying it in front of him. He let it go for now. He was having a hard enough time holding it together to make a big deal about semantics.

Kate was still hovering over him like a mother hen, however. She took his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze as they described the type of bullet, and the methodology of it's delivery.

"Did she feel it?" he found himself asking.

"No, she was killed instantly." Lanie replied giving him a concerned look. The memory of being covered in his blood working feverishly to keep him alive rising unbidden in her memory.

"I guess the question is why would the sniper target Sarah?" Kate asked, back in detective mode. "Any leads about the guy that was following her?" As their conversation wound up going back to the fiance, Castle once again interjected:

"What if she was shot at random? How do we find him then?"

His rising anxiety was plain for everyone to see, this was more than a case to him, it was becoming personal as he stared at the bullet wound on Sarah Vasquez. Lanie broke the spell by covering her back up with a sheet, and Kate took him by the arm and led him out.

The following morning

Rick Castle stared into his bathroom mirror and he hardly recognized the man staring back at him. He hadn't been eating right and his wan appearance made the bags under his eyes stand out in stark relief. It had taken the majority of a bottle of Scotch to get to sleep last night. "_Or was it early morning?"_ He thought to himself. Sleep which had been far from restful and plagued with nightmares. Nightmares where Kate was bleeding out in the grass and he had been powerless to stop it. They repeated over and over in his head and had been getting worse of late. He only saw one way to make them stop.

_He had to protect Kate._

_**No matter what.**_

**Later that morning**

There had been another shooting. His name was Henry Wyatt. He had no known connections to the previous victim, and had been shot in another part of the city. The shootings did seem to be random. Castle jumped at the sound of a car backfiring, but managed to keep his composure.

Castle had made the unfortunate comparison to the DC Sniper case and instantly regretted saying it.

He fell silent as Lanie reported her findings to Kate, followed by Espo's observation that Wyatt had been shot from higher up, which had Castle scanning the rooftops in an almost panicked state.

"Castle, you all right?" Lanie asked. She seemed very concerned for his welfare, as even she was noting the effect this case was having on him.

Espo continued to point out how a sniper might, even when shooting at random, need to prepare the ground ahead of time and looked around until he found a small plastic flag stuck to a traffic sign. Noting how it would be a perfect wind gauge. As the conversation once again turned to methodology, a police siren blared suddenly, and Castle sprang, shoving Kate behind a mailbox, blocking her with his body.

"What the hell, Castle..." Kate began, and instantly regretted the choice of words as she remembered the last time she'd said them. Right after he'd been shot.

She looked into his eyes and saw the wide open panic in them. "_Not for himself,"_ she thought, "_but for me_." She remembered how he had described his most frequent nightmare. In it, she had been the one bleeding out in the cemetery and he could do nothing to stop it, nothing but tell her he loved her and beg her not to die as she slowly bled out.

She would have to keep an eye on him, before he did something rash or dangerous. Seeing him bleeding in the grass had been hard enough to bear the first time. She didn't think she could ever live with herself if it happened again.

….

During Captain Gates' briefing on the sniper Kate can see that something is still troubling Castle, his hands were shaking almost imperceptibly. His eyes had a glazed far away look like he was looking at something miles away. He was clenching and relaxing his hands trying to get the shaking under control.

When she drew next to him to put reassuring hand on his shoulder, he nearly jumped out of his skin. This drew Gates' attention and she asked about commonalities between the victims. She replied that there were none, doing her best to shield him from her view. When the briefing/pep talk was over and Gates returned to her office Kate turned and looked at Castle, who's mask of control was now tightly in place.

"You all right, Castle? You seem pretty jumpy today." as she once again placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"I'm fine." Castle said harshly, almost violently pulling himself away. Then more softly, almost apologetically, "I'll be fine."

He reached out for her hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze, a little bit of the old Castle charm briefly ghosting across his face. He excused himself to go the bathroom. After watching him round the corner of the hallway toward the bathrooms, Kate approached Esposito's desk, and dropped into the chair next to it.

"How concerned should I be about Castle?" Kate asked quietly, unable to mask the concern for him all over her face, "He's never snapped at me like that before, not without some serious provocation on my part, and he's jumping at shadows, like when he pushed me down today. He's beginning to scare me."

Esposito closed his eyes for a moment before responding, like he was banishing a bad dream of his own before locking eyes with her again.

"It was bad enough for me when I came back from the war," Espo finally replied, "and I never took a bullet"

Kate looked Espo up and down, she knew he'd been in the military before he was a cop, but she really had no idea of the extent of it. Though she didn't want to betray Castle's confidence, she had to open up to somebody, too much was on the line.

"He told me about the nightmares he's been having," she whispered tentatively, repressing a shudder, "In them it's me who got shot, instead of him, and he's watching helpless as I bleed to death. It's like he can't remember what actually happened and he's replacing it with one of his worst case scenarios."

Esposito, nodded, his look of concern for the mystery writer mirrored hers. It took him a moment to find the right words. "Thing like that is easier to keep in a box, but this case might just break that box open."

"What should I do?" Kate said, a hint of desperation in her voice.

"Catch the shooter." Ryan interjected solemnly from behind his own desk.

"He's right." Espo added with a nod to his partner, "Best thing for everybody, Castle included." then got up from his desk and put a comforting hand on Kate's shoulder.

"Give Castle some time, and don't take what he says or does personally. Let him know you support him, but he needs to sort this out in his own way."

Kate patted Espo's hand and replied, "Thanks Espo. I really hate to see him like this."

"We all do, Beckett, we want our boy back." Espo replied, with a nod of assent from Ryan as well.

….

The interview with Marcus Ford had gone badly. Castle had been edgy since they entered the interrogation room, but Kate was focused on the task at hand and hadn't picked up on it. About halfway through the interview, Ford had gotten in her face and Castle had practically gone ballistic on him It had taken everything she had to pull him off of Ford and drag him out into the hallway.

Gates had personally checked Ford's alibi and it had checked out, so he was off the hook, but now they needed his cooperation. Espo volunteered to go in and play good cop, and Gates had ordered Kate to take Castle home before made things worse.

At first he didn't want to leave, but relented when Kate came up with the idea that he look into the paper dolls their unknown suspect had left at his sniper hides. This placated him somewhat. At least he could still help catch the guy.

….

_Castle looked on as Kate finished her eulogy, saw the look of warmth in her eyes as she got to the part of finding someone to to stand with you. He saw the reflected glint off in the distance, then saw her body jerk from the rifle's impact before he could reach her._

"_Beckett's down!" he heard somebody yell out as he knelt over her in the grass where he'd tackled her._

"_Kate...shh" He whispered at her._

"_Kate.. please..please stay with me.." he pleaded as he cradled her head while she lay bleeding._

"_Don't leave me." she was staring up at him, her facial expression a mixture of pain and shock_

"_Please...stay with me, okay?"_

"_Kate...I love you. I love you Kate..." as the light drained from here eyes, and she slowly bled to death on the grass..._

_...  
_

Castle jerked awake in the overstuffed chair in his office. He poured the last of the bottle of Scotch from his liquor cabinet, and slammed it down. He had long since been desensitized to the burning of if down his throat. He lurched from the chair in his office and went to get another one when Alexis appeared at the door to his study. She ran to her father and tried to pry the bottle of Scotch from his hands.

He yanked hard on the bottle pulling her off balance then pushed violently against her chest with his free hand. Her back hit the wall of the study heavily, and she slid slowly down the wall. She stared up at him, a mix of fear, shock and accusation in her eyes and it finally registered in Castle's liquor soaked brain who she was as she started to cry. He dropped the bottle of Scotch and it shattered, sending glass and a splash of alcohol all over the floor as he ran to her.

"Alexis, baby...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." as he tried to cradle her, she recoiled in fear at his touch, pushed him away and ran out of his study, up the stairs and into her room. Castle followed, but got as far as the stairs when he heard the lock on her bedroom door snap into place. A lock she had never needed until tonight.

_To protect herself from you._ An angry voice inside his head declared accusingly.

"What have I done?" he moaned quietly to himself as he sank to his knees on the living room carpet, his head buried in his hands, "Dear God, what have I done?"

….

Martha walked past the open door to his study the following morning to see her son slumped over the laptop on his desk with the heels of his hands covering his eyes. She could tell by his haggard expression that he hadn't slept all night. He looked up at her with a mournful stare like someone had shot his dog.

"What's wrong, Richard? You look hung over. Is it the nightmares again? Have you been up all night?"

Martha's line of questioning caused a wave of guilt to cross over his features and he let his head sink back into his hands.

"I hurt Alexis, mother." he moaned out loud, "She tried to get me to stop drinking last night after I woke from another nightmare, and I pushed her into the wall." Tears began pouring down his cheeks as he continued, "I didn't even realize it was her till she was sliding onto the floor. She looked at me like I was a monster, mother." he sobbed, "And maybe I am. What have I done to my little girl, mother? What have I become that my daughter isn't even safe in her own home?"

Alexis appeared in the doorway, as her father was finishing his litany of self loathing. She looked in his eyes and saw the crushing guilt. It brought tears to her eyes to see her father reduced to this, she had been up most of the night studying the effects of PTSD on the internet. She knew that the man who had pushed her last night was NOT the father she had grown up with. She had also read all the news reports about the sniper case on the internet and put two and two together. She now knew what had brought this on.

"I think I have just decided to skip school today." she said, announcing she was in the room.

"Actually I think you are both under house arrest until we catch this guy." he said quietly, barely able to look his daughter in the eye.

"What are you going to do?" Martha said, draping an arm over Alexis' shoulder.

"The only thing I can do, figure out why he's leaving these damn dolls behind." Castle said, "If I can only figure out what painting they're from."

"Let me see." Alexis said, and he handed her the doll. She flinched involuntarily when their hands met, which caused another wave of shame and remorse to cross her father 's features, but she relaxed and took the doll from him. Then a flash of insight appeared on her face...

….

Beckett, Ryan and Gates were in the squad bull pen discussing their lack of leads as they eyed the murder board. Suddenly Castle burst from the elevator with an excited look on his face, a departure from his demeanor the day before.

"I know what the paper dolls mean!" He shouted across the room

"Mr. Castle, now is not the time for your theatrics..."

"Captain, just listen," he interjected, "The paper dolls are predictive." and went on to explain the theory Alexis had led him to when she had identified the paintings the dolls had been cut out of this morning. For once Gates was listening to him with rapt fascination. Then the phones in the precinct began ringing. The sniper had struck again.

….

When they returned from the crime scene, Kate cornered Espo in the corridor as Castle settled into his chair by her desk.

"I got a call from Alexis last night, he'd had another episode and he pushed her into a wall." Kate whispered hoarsely, registering the shocked expression on Javi's face at this revelation. "She wasn't seriously hurt, but she was really scared when she called me. He's spinning out of control, Espo. I don't know what to do. He shouldn't be on this case, but if I push him away, I'm not sure what that will do to him."

Espo nodded, "It could do more harm than good to have him lose the one thing he has to hold on to, right now, which is helping you catching this guy."

"Javi, you're the only one I know who has any idea what he's going though, how did you get past it?" She replied in a harsh whisper.

A dark specter of a memory crossed Espo's features as he looked back on his own past trauma. A place he had never wanted to revisit, and probably wouldn't if it wasn't for Beckett, and the man who had saved his life last year, sitting at her desk, a prisoner of his own demons. His sense of duty to a comrade in arms kicked in. He couldn't leave him there.

He walked up to Castle and said, "Come with me, bro, I have something to show you."

When the two of them, entered the evidence room, Espo reached down and produced a rifle from under the counter. Castle recoiled, and backed into the wall.

"What the hell is that, Espo!" Castle exclaimed hotly.

"It's the rifle that shot you." he replied calmly

"What the fuck, man..." he started

"Castle, the guy that shot you wasn't an avenging angel, he wasn't a ghost or a god, he was a man. As flawed as you and me. This guy is no different, he's just a murderer, and just like every other bad guy we take off the streets, he's damaged goods."

As Castle slowly got his breathing under control, he eyed the rifle then brought his gaze back up to Espo, who had the softest expression he'd ever seen on the man.

"So am I." he replied, his mind going back to the look of terror on his daughter's face, the terror that _**he**_ had put there. "So am I."

"You think it's a weakness, Castle?" Espo said in a hushed tone, "Make it a strength, it's a part of you" he held the rifle out to him with both hands, "so use it."

Castle's hands shook slightly as he reached out for the rifle Espo held out to him. When he had a firm grip on it, Espo let go and he felt the cold of it in his hands. It was lighter than he thought it would be. Just steel, plastic and composite. He nodded at Esposito, who nodded back and then left him to his thoughts.

When Kate came in a few minutes later, she was taken aback to see him standing there, holding the rifle that shot him. He had a determined look on his face, like he was contemplating something.

"Kate," he said solemnly, "I need to ask two things of you. One I may need Alexis to stay with you for a few days."

Kate nodded, she saw the sadness and guilt that played over his face when he said it and it made her heart clench in her chest.

"And the other?" she asked quietly.

"I need you to sign this out of evidence," as he handed her the sniper rifle, "there's something we're missing here."

….

As they were heading out, Ryan, Espo and Gates were watching the footage from Emily's building, When Gates looked up and saw the elevator doors close in front of them.

"Where are they going?" she asked.

They're running down a lead." Espo replied, and Gates let it go, so far Castle's leads had been panning out so she was making allowances.

When they got to the sniper hide from the Wyatt shooting, Castle stood where Espo had shown him the sniper would have been, raised the rifle to his shoulder and looked down the scope. He brought it back down, frowned and handed the rifle to Kate.

"Sight in on the street and tell me what's wrong with this picture." he said.

When she did as he asked, the same thought clicked in her brain.

"Why would he shoot from here when the roof gave him a cleaner shot?" they said in unison.

They nearly ran up the stairs to the rooftop access door. Upon arrival they noticed that they would have to climb a ladder to get the rest of the way up to the best vantage point. Kate scaled it easily, but when Rick tried to follow, he was met with absolute agony from his scars when he tried to pull himself onto the ladder. Kate scrambled down the ladder when she saw him nearly doubled over in pain. She knelt down to check on him but he rose up grabbed her in his arms, laughing and kissed her wildly.

"Wha..." she started to say as he released her from his embrace. The kiss he had laid on her had scrambled her brain.

"Let's go!" Castle said, "We need to get back to the precinct, I know how to narrow down the search!"

They ran back down the stairs to Kate's waiting car.

When they got back to the precinct, they were able to narrow the suspect pool. Their sniper now had a name.

_Lee Travis._

While they interviewed his sister, the hide where he shot Emily Reese was found. Judging by the string of paper dolls, he had multiple targets in mind, and that they were heading for Central Park.

Esposito and Beckett rolled out with the ESU tactical team.

When they discovered the target, and Ryan began dialing the bus driver, Castle slipped out the door with Beckett's car keys in his hand...

Beckett in the meantime was helping clear the most likely building. She had reached her assigned floor, called in her location and stepped off the elevator. When she pushed in the door, Travis was waiting for her, and struck her from behind, dislodging her weapon from her hand.

She tried talking him down, but he wasn't listening. He was set on his destructive course and nothing could get in his way...

….

Castle had tried to get into the building Kate went into, but three uniforms blocked him. It took all three of them to restrain him, and two more to drag him back to Kate's car. He fought tooth and nail the whole way. When Castle heard the bark of a sniper rifle he cried out "Nooooo" and went limp.

A moment later, the text alert sounded on his cell phone. When he looked at his phone it was from Beckett. _**Castle, I'm ok. Espo got him**._

He hadn't had happier news since Alexis was born.

….

The following day he walked into the office of NYPD's on call therapist. Gates and Beckett had pulled some strings, and thankfully he did in fact see private clients as well. He settled carefully onto the couch across from Dr. Burke. He knew he needed to do this. For himself, and his daughter. He needed to be the father she trusted again, a man he could respect.

"Thank you for taking me as a patient on such short notice." he said quietly.

"Please, Mr Castle,"

"Please, call me Rick." Castle interrupted.

"Okay, Rick," Dr Burke began again, "just relax, take your time, and start from the beginning..."


	7. Exile

**Chapter Seven  
****Exile**

Kate unlocked the door of her apartment, and led an uneasy Alexis Castle inside, carrying her school bags and a suitcase. Alexis had been quiet and sullen the entire drive over and her outlook had not improved much when they arrived. The last time she had stood in this very spot, it had been to plead with Kate to come back to the Hamptons and help her dad. Now it would seem she would be staying for a while. Her lingering resentment for Kate Beckett still hung in the air between them, unresolved. She still hated the detective a little for getting her father into this, but she had worked so hard to help him since then.

"Alexis, you do know this isn't a punishment, right?" Kate Beckett said, finally breaking the silence that had hung over them like a cloud since she had shown up at the loft to pick her up. "Your father loves you more than anything, he just needs you to be safe while he works through his issues."

Though the thought never occurred to Kate to say it, the _"from him"_ hung in the air before Alexis, unsaid.

Kate had seen the stricken look on Rick's face when he tried to hug Alexis goodbye and she flinched involuntarily at his touch. She had seen it in far too many domestic abuse victims to not know the signs. Alexis hugged him back anyway, but the look Kate had seen in his eyes conveyed the guilt and anguish he was feeling over what he had done to make his daughter afraid to touch or be touched by him.

His heart was broken, and this time there was no balm or quick fix for it. Only time could heal this wound. Time, the therapy sessions with Dr. Burke, and maybe, just maybe a little bit of hope that he could one day earn back his daughter's broken trust. With the pressure from the Sniper case no longer hanging over him, and Lee Travis lying dead inside a drawer in Lanie's morgue she hoped that Castle would at least be able to find a small measure of peace while he figured things out.

"I know he does, Kate, and I still love him." Alexis said, "I've rarely seen dad in that much pain. Only once or twice before to be exact."

"When was that?" Kate asked, tentatively, not sure if she wanted to hear the answer.

"The first was when he came back from your apartment the night Captain Montgomery was killed," She said with not even a hint of emotion, or malice "and the second was when you walked out on him in the hospital."

Kate felt like she'd been punched in the stomach, as her heart clenched, and she blinked back the tears forming in her eyes. Alexis hand clapped over he mouth when she realized the enormity of what she'd said.

"I'm so sorry Kate! I didn't mean to!" Alexis blurted out, her own eyes wide, mortified. "I was really young when my mother left, and when his marriage to Gina imploded, I'm sure it hurt then too!"

Alexis grabbed Kate and pulled her into a tight hug before the detective could fully register what was going on. "I just miss my dad, I want him back! I know he didn't mean to hurt me, and I want to be able to hug him without flinching! What's wrong with me? I..." she trailed off as her words became unintelligible as wracking sobs quickly overcame her.

Kate slowly closed her arms around the sobbing teenager, and ran her fingers down her back and through her hair, making soothing noises, while in her mind's eye she pictured a scene not wholly different between her and her father when his drinking had been at its worst. Felt her own tears wind their way down her cheeks. Despising the cruel and lingering ways that history could repeat itself.

….

**The following morning.**

Rick Castle sat alone in his loft. Though the PTSD fueled nightmares had slacked off exponentially since the Sniper case had come to its violent, deadly conclusion, he was still in a hell of his own creation. He didn't know how to repair the damage he had done (however inadvertently) to his relationship with Alexis. Since that night, she could not even touch his hand without flinching.

"_The most precious person in my life recoils in fear from my touch."_ he thought to himself bitterly. Dr. Burke had told him to give her time and this would eventually pass. He sincerely hoped so.

He stared into the waste paper basket next to his desk where he had dumped the glass from the broken bottle of Scotch he had dropped on the floor that night. The one he had slammed his beloved daughter into a wall to possess. She had struck it so hard, there were bruises on her back. He had seen them under the back of her camisole when she left his study after helping him decipher the riddle of Lee Travis' paper dolls.

He would give anything...anything if he could take back that night. The look of sheer terror on her face when she looked up at him would haunt him until the day he died. He set his elbows on his desk, put his head in his hands and wept.

"_That sniper's bullet would have been kinder had it killed me."_ he thought bitterly to himself.

His reverie was interrupted by a knock on his door. He ran a hand through his hair, wiped the tears that had fallen from his face and got up to see who was at his door this early in the day. When he opened it, Kate was standing on the other side, she wasn't in her usual business casual attire for the precinct, though her badge and gun were in their customary places under her jacket.

"Gates told me to take a couple of personal days because of the shooting." Kate said, a comforting smile on her face, "I just got back from dropping Alexis off at school, and I thought I'd drop in and see how you were holding up."

"I've been better, Kate," He replied, meeting her halfhearted smile with a weak one of his own, "the nightmares have stopped for the most part now that the pressure is off." Castle looked down at the floor then added, "Now I just have to come to terms with the fact that my daughter thinks I'm a monster. I almost wish the sniper had killed me..."

The smile melted away from Kate's face, "Rick, no!" she said emphatically, as she reached out, cupped his face in her hands and drew his eyes level with hers. "She doesn't think you're a monster, she loves you, she told me so! She wants to get past this every bit as much as you do. I didn't agree to do this so you could punish yourself, I did it so you could have the time and space you both need to get past this."

"Can we, Kate?" Rick said, the grief and remorse pouring out of him. "What I did was unforgivable, how do I get past that? I'm her father, I had one job, to protect her. I failed in the worst possible way."

Kate couldn't find the words she needed to comfort him, so she did the only thing she could think to do in that moment. She raised up on her toes and kissed him. His arms came around her and his lips crashed into hers as he clung to her like a drowning man.

When their lips parted, she whispered, "I forgive you, Castle, and so does she."

….

They had sat curled up together on the couch for the rest of the day, her touch and her presence soothed the hurt and grief that threatened to crush his soul. She'd sent Alexis a text message to let her know she would be late and would arrange for Esposito to pick her up at school. Espo had been happy to help out, he was on mandatory leave after the shooting of Lee Travis, and was itching for something constructive to do.

"I have to go, Castle." Kate said, as she pulled her shoes back on, slid her holster and badge back onto her belt and reached for her jacket.

"I know, Alexis needs you too." he said, regretfully.

"You'll call me if you need anything?" she said back

"Yes, Kate, I promise." he said, "Mother will be home later to make dinner, so I won't be alone."

"Good, we'll figure this out, Castle." Kate said, "Alexis is tougher than she looks, she'll bounce back."

"Tell her I love her, and I miss her." Castle said softly.

"I will Rick," she replied, "you should call tonight and tell her yourself too."

"I'll do that." Rick said as he walked her to the door and opened it.

As she walked through the door, Rick put a hand on her shoulder, and when she turned back to look at him he said, "I love you too, Kate." and then kissed her passionately, his lips pressed softly into hers, turning her brain into mush as she basked in the warmth of his embrace.

Kate was floored. She was prepared for his grief and his remorse, and even his concern for his daughter. This however was a complete shock.

"I love you too, Rick." she said before pressing another kiss to his lips and turning for the elevator.

After closing and locking the door behind her, Rick walked slowly through the loft into his office. He picked up the remote to his smart board and turned it on. He paged through the Nikki Heat files until he reached a file marked "Beckett" he had started it shortly after Kate had shown him her window sill. His focus had changed after he had been shot.

Under her picture it said, "Who wants Kate Dead?"

He had Agent Gray put an electronic tag on anything related to Johanna Beckett, Bob Armen, or Roy Montgomery. He would receive a text from him the moment she started digging. He knew Kate would go back to this eventually, she couldn't help herself. When she did, he would be ready.

He would put himself between Kate and danger, if he was going to go out, he was going to take Kate's enemies with him. For Alexis to be safe, Kate would have to survive too, if it meant his life, so be it.

He would atone for getting Kate into this mess, for bringing these forces down upon her. He would atone for what he did to Alexis.

His life was now considered forfeit.

Knowing that brought him a measure of peace.


	8. Equilibrium

**Chapter Eight  
****Equilibrium**

Kevin and Jenny's wedding had been beautiful, touching, and heart wrenching for Richard Castle. He was truly happy for them both. He'd seen the way they looked at each other over the past couple of years, nauseatingly sweet in the way they fawned over each other. The look on Kevin's face when she was angry with him during the Natalie Rhodes ride along was painful to watch, but the absolute love between them was palpable when he had proposed and she had accepted. The scene had even made the generally unflappable Kate tear up.

It was his first hand knowledge of the ways a marriage could go wrong that ate at him. Knowing how he'd screwed up both times he'd gone down the aisle. How he'd made a mess of nearly every relationship he'd ever been in. He'd made so many mistakes over the years.

He'd wanted more than Kyra was willing to give, so she'd left him and ran away to Europe. He married Meredith out of a sense of obligation when he'd learned she was pregnant, and hoped it would become more than that. Then there was Sophia Turner. He tried too hard, moved too fast, invested too much and then it all fell apart. Gina was a mistake from the get go, they were completely wrong for each other, and he just hadn't seen it. He'd wanted a mother figure for Alexis, and it blew up in his face.

If there was a wrong choice to make in a relationship over the past twenty years, he'd managed to unerringly find it. It's one of the reasons he had been so patient and cautious with Kate all this time after he'd realized she was more than a passing fancy. Over time, the infatuation had turned into friendship and then into love. This time he wanted it to last, he wanted to do it right.

He hoped that Kevin and Jenny could avoid all the mistakes he had made. They had done everything right from the beginning. They were so crazy in love, it actually gave him hope, that maybe this time he _**could**_ get it right. He turned to his left and looked longingly at Kate. The almost childlike wonder on her face as she watched the service was a look he had never seen on her before. He didn't think it possible for her to look more beautiful until this very moment. She looked positively angelic and serene.

As if she could read his troubled thoughts, Kate's slid her hand across the narrow space between them and sought out his. She gave his hand a reassuring squeeze and darted a look in his direction. A single tear coursing down her right cheek. He reversed his grip and clasped her hand gently. She slid over against him and rested her head on his shoulder. His heart leaped in his chest as he felt the electric spark between them. They watched the rest of the wedding ceremony in that position, and all of his cares melted away. _"Maybe she was right,"_ he thought to himself, _"maybe the third time really _could_ be the charm."_ He sincerely wanted to believe her.

….

The reception hall was beautifully decorated. Jenny's mother had really outdone herself. The walls and ceiling were covered in tiny lights giving the dimly lit banquet hall the appearance of being awash in stars. From the time they left the church, they held hands and barely looked away from each other.

All of the speeches were made, the dinner had been eaten, the bridal bouquet had been thrown (Kate had caught it, with a look of shock on her face followed by that dazzling smile he loved so much and laughed) and Kevin and Jenny lead everyone out onto the dance floor to lead off the first dance of the evening.

Unseen by either of them, one of Jenny's cousins was making a tipsy beeline for Kate as she and Rick were rising from the guest table, only to have Javier Esposito drop a firm hand to his shoulder, and with a frosty glare gave him a less than friendly shove in the opposite direction where Jenny's sorority sisters were whooping it up. He winked at Lanie, then melted back into the crowd of wedding guests as Kate and Rick linked arms and headed for the dance floor. Mom and dad were finally getting their act together and he'd be damned if he was going to let some intoxicated punk ruin the moment.

When the music began to play they melted into each other, and the rest of the room ceased to exist for them. On the darkened dance floor surrounded by candlelight and a sea of artificial stars their hearts beat only for each other as the strains of "Now and Forever" by Richard Marx was played by the DJ. Jenny nudged Kevin and pointed at the two of them with a tilt of her head. The newly married couple watched Rick and Kate, wrapped up in each other, completely oblivious to anyone else in the room as they danced. Kevin leaned in to his beautiful bride and whispered in her ear.

"About damn time." To which Jenny laughed softly and kissed him. As they passed Javi and Lanie on the dance floor, Kevin nudged his partner and said,

"Anybody tries to break that up," nodding toward Rick and Kate, "you have our permission to take him out back and kick his ass."

"As you wish, bro." was Esposito's only reply as they bumped fists. Lanie nodded her ascent with a dark, dangerous look in her eyes. _"If a woman tries it, I'll make the bitch wish she'd never been born."_ she thought fiercely to herself.

On their way past the DJ, Jenny leaned in and said,

"All slow songs till we say otherwise."

Nobody who didn't already know about the slow, tortured romance of Richard Castle and Kate Beckett would ever realize that the request wasn't meant for the bride and groom. A subterfuge Kevin and Jenny were more than willing to endure (they loved dancing with each other, so it wasn't that big a sacrifice, really) for those two tormented souls who had endured so much for each other. Besides it was beautiful to watch. To make this gesture seemed like such a small price to pay. A happy memory of their wedding they were sure they would tell their grandchildren.

All of this went completely unnoticed by Rick and Kate as they swayed slowly as one slow song transitioned into another. Time seemed to stand still for them, and it was good.

….

Alexis sat on the couch in Kate's living room, studying. The Blue Pill playing on her laptop on the coffee table. The Lady Gaga concert had not gone as she had hoped. The boy she thought she had liked had become a bit to grabby about halfway through the concert. Gramms had caught on to it rather quickly, broken the whole thing up without making a scene, and brought her back here. After convincing her that she was indeed all right (she wasn't) Martha had gone back to the loft.

As badly as she wanted to go with her grandmother, she kept quiet. She wanted her dad to be the one to bring her home. An arrangement that was only supposed to last for couple of days had stretched into nearly a month. Kate had brought her back to the loft to pick up some more of her clothes a couple of times. The first time, about a week after she'd left, dad had been home and she had flinched again when he tried to hug her. The pained look that crossed his face again had brought tears to her eyes. After that he had always made a point to be elsewhere. In her head, she knew he was only doing what Dr. Burke had told him. Giving her space to come to terms with what happened between them.

Her heart, however was another matter. Every time she flinched when he came near or touched her, she saw as failure on her part. Like that one dark moment had somehow erased 17 years of her father's unconditional love. Love she knew her father still had for her. She knew he was punishing himself more than anyone else ever would. One of many things they had in common.

She'd learned a lot about Kate during her stay as well. Once, early on, she was on one of her obsessive cleaning jags while Kate was at work, (though Kate had strenuously stated otherwise she felt the need to earn her keep) and had pulled open the shutters on the living room window to let some light in. She was horrified by what she'd found. The faded crime scene photo of Kate's mother, dead in an alley. Every clue she had ever dug up. Every lead she had ever chased down only to go nowhere. Right down to Captain Montgomery's betrayal and the crime scene photos from the day dad was shot.

Judging from the amount of dust on the shutters she had not opened them in months. And the last notation made was shortly before she had stolen the family car and brought her back to the Hamptons. _She'd stopped pursuing her mother's killer for us._ It had changed her opinion of Kate Beckett almost overnight. _She chose us! She really does love dad!_

Her reverie was broken by a soft knocking on the door, so she got up to answer it. It was awfully late for company, and she knew she hadn't ordered anything. Her head swiveled to the box over by the door where she knew Kate kept her backup weapon. She had shown it to her a couple of times, even taken her to the range and showed her how to shoot it. The loud noise it made frightened her, but her range scores were not that bad, in the end she decided against it.

When she pulled the door to the limit of the chain, she was surprised to see her father standing there holding an obviously tipsy Kate in one arm and her ridiculously high heels in the other.

"Dad," she breathed, "what's with Kate?"

"One too many toasts at Kevin's wedding," her father quipped, that mischievous grin on his lips, "and we danced most of the night, she must not have eaten much it wiped her clean out. She fell asleep on my shoulder in the taxi. She almost dropped off again in the elevator on the way up." Alexis could tell that her father was completely sober.

"I like you..." Kate slurred, patted the side of Rick's face "such a nice, charming man."

Alexis closed the door for a moment, unhooked the door chain, pulled it back open and ushered them inside, trying hard to stifle a fit of giggles. She had never seen Kate buzzed like this before. Rick swept Kate up in his arms and carried her inside.

Alexis could almost feel the love emanating from her father. It was like the depression he had been in for weeks (months if she was being truly honest) was suddenly gone. It was like he was suddenly dad again, not the doppelganger that had been masquerading as him that had hurt her, scared her, and made her shy away from him.

Between the two of them, they maneuvered Kate to her bathroom. Her father stepped out for a moment while she helped her change out of her tight fitting dress and bra into the t-shirt and sweats that Alexis scavenged from her closet. She tapped the door, ushering her father back in, to take her weight again, as they helped her to her bedroom. Alexis pulled back the covers and Rick laid her carefully in bed and covered her up, feathering a kiss to her forehead, in moments she was out like a light. The two of them quietly crept out of her room and with their backs to her door both exhaled sharply.

"Must have been some wedding." Alexis said, amazed that there was not a trace of discomfort in her.

"It was pumpkin," her father said back as a dreamy look washed over his face, "It certainly was."

Alexis couldn't help herself, washed in a sea of her own emotions, she hugged her father fiercely. Rick was shocked for a moment, but his arms went around her almost automatically. Thinking, for the thousandth time that night that things were finally beginning to look up. He kissed her on the top of her head, and without warning there were tears in his eyes. The image from the reception hall flooded back into this writer's mind. It seemed the stars in his universe were finally returning to their proper alignment.

His daughter could finally come home.


	9. Gathering Shadows

**Chapter Nine  
****Gathering Shadows**

Kate Beckett woke with a splitting headache. She was in her own bed, with no idea how she got there. She remembered going to Ryan's wedding with Castle. They had elected to be each others plus one since receiving their invitations. She remembered taking his hand and leaning against him during the service, and dancing most of the night with him at the reception. It was the details of the evening that were somewhat fuzzy. _'How many glasses of champagne did I have?'_ she thought to herself _'When did I switch to vodka martinis?'_ She remembered something about an open bar, but not much more than that. Just fuzzy bits and pieces involving Richard Castle and the back of a taxi.

Without opening her eyes, she ran a hand over her body to find she was wearing neither the dress nor the bra she had worn to the wedding, but simply a t-shirt, sweats and (whew) her panties from the night before. At least she hadn't gotten too stupid last night. Slowly, it dawned on her that there was someone sitting on the bed next to her. She very carefully opened one eye to see a petite redhead at the foot of her bed, looking down at her.

"Good morning, Kate." Alexis said sweetly with a mischievous grin lighting up her face.

"Not so loud, Alexis...please..." Kate pleaded, in a low whisper, "What time is it?"

"One thirty in the afternoon." Alexis replied quietly.

"What!" Kate said sharply, snapping to a sitting position, immediately regretting it, then sliding back down onto her pillow with a pathetic moan. She hated being hung over.

Alexis helped her slowly sit up, producing a caplet of ibuprofen and a bottle of water seemingly from nowhere. Kate swallowed the pill and Alexis helped her with the bottled water as she slowly drank it down, then eased her back onto the pillow.

"Try to get some more sleep, Kate," she said quietly, "you'll feel better once the headache goes away."

"But the precinct..." Kate said quietly, without much fight behind her words.

"You were given the weekend off, remember?" Alexis supplied with just a little hint of steel in her voice, "Now go back to sleep, Kate I'll make you something to eat later."

"Okay, 'Lexis" she slurred sleepily as she began to drift back off, wondering how many times Alexis may have done this same thing for her father over the years. Alexis, for her part, merely adjusted the covers back over Kate and let her fall blissfully back to sleep. She'd tended her father enough times when he was sick and/or hungover to have this down to a science.

Besides, she had packing to do...among other things.

After closing the drapes in Kate's bedroom and quietly closing the door, she crept noiselessly into the living room, opened the shutters to the window containing the detective's murder board and taking out her I-phone photographed every scrap of information on the board. Including the gruesome image of Kate's mother from the crime scene.

Once finished, she carefully closed the shutters, whispering a silent prayer for the soul of Johanna Beckett, wife of Jim and mother of Kate. If she were going to help her father and Kate be safe and happy, she needed to understand this obsession that drove her. If she found something useful...well she'd cross that bridge when she came to it.

She would leave it to Kate and her father to solve it. She merely wanted to understand how this had lead to her father being shot in a cemetery. Why he had felt the need to keep her in the dark about this when everything else in his life had been an open book to her.

Ignorance was no longer bliss, it was time to open her eyes.

….

Kate woke again about two hours later. Generally an early riser, she was unaccustomed to sleeping this late. She rose from her bed on wobbly legs and stumbled uneasily in the direction of her bedroom door. When she pulled it open, Alexis was sitting next to her father on the couch having an animated conversation about her date to the Lady Gaga concert.

She saw her partner tense up when she told him about how grabby the boy had gotten halfway through the show, (to be honest she did too, just a little_ as she imagined showing up at the boy's door with her gun..._then forced herself to relax) and seeing him relax a little when she told him how cool and level headed Martha had been, breaking the whole thing up without making a scene.

_Oh I'd have made a scene all right..._she thought to herself, _woulda put that little creep right on his..._ surprised at finding herself feeling suddenly maternal. _Where did that come from?_

The conversation came to a sudden stop when they looked up and saw her pad unsteadily out of her bedroom in her bare feet, headed for the bathroom. Castle rose immediately from the couch, a look of mild concern crossing his face.

"Kate, you okay?" he said softly.

"Yeah," she replied, "just feeling little bit of that hangover from last night. How many did I have anyway?" She felt a little lightheaded all of a sudden, like she had gotten up too fast. Castle was at her side before she could topple over, a supporting arm around her waist. She leaned into him, grateful for the support.

"Not that many that I saw," Castle replied quietly, "but you hadn't eaten much yesterday, that probably accounts for it."

"Castle," she said huskily, "I have to pee..."

"Oh, right," he replied, guiding her toward her bathroom, reluctantly letting go as she supported herself on the doorway, "I'll be right here if you need me."

Castle turned his back to the door and waited patiently, while Alexis got up from the couch to start making a late lunch. She knew Kate would insist on helping her move her things back to the loft, and she would need some food in her to get her self moving.

Three hours later, the lock turned on the door to the Castle loft and the door opened wide to admit Rick, Kate and Alexis into the loft. Alexis was excited to be back home, and so was her father. He had barely slept a wink last night after he had returned home from dropping off the rather tipsy Kate Beckett.

He had pulled all of the linen from Alexis' bed upstairs, and made sure they were freshly laundered, made a late night run to the supermarket to pick up all of Alexis favorite foods not to mention her favorite ice cream.

He knew things were probably not one hundred percent right between them. Dr. Burke cautioned him, that this would take time, if it happened at all. But the fact that she no longer shied away from him, or flinched at his touch made his heart soar.

Kate had been hesitant at first when he suggested she pack a bag and stay the night, but when she had early fallen down after getting dressed, Castle had insisted. At least until her balance returned. Once Alexis joined in, she relented. He had offered up his room, but she had insisted on the upstairs guest room.

Rick Castle wasn't complaining though, life was good.


	10. Shadows in the Dark

**Chapter 10  
****Shadows in the Dark**

It had been months since Kate had first received the cryptic phone call from the man who would only identify himself as "Smith". Since that time she had done her best to keep keep Rick (and herself) occupied, so he'd stop digging into her mother's case again. It was easier said than done, given his resources. Some that he's shared with her, some she has no idea about, other than his mysterious "I have a guy everywhere." comment the one time she asked.

Since the sniper case, he has become more difficult to read. Most days he seemed to be very nearly the Rick Castle she knew before his shooting. But even on those days, if she watched him carefully she could see a dark shadow in his eyes. A shadow he would banish if he saw her looking. There were times though, when he had a somber air to him that worried her. Like he had lost his boyish optimism, and was waiting for something terrible to happen. A dead body linked to the mayor's office could not have come at a worse time.

Kate Beckett's phone rang at 3 AM. She and Castle had been going in circles since the Mayor had been implicated. He had been adamant in his friend's defense. She wanted to believe him, but everything seemed to be pointing straight to Mayor Weldon. They had had much the same argument over Damian Westlake, last year, and just like then, she'd wanted to be wrong. If only for Rick's sake, but Mayor Weldon's claim of a conspiracy seemed far to convenient. Far too much like something out of one of Rick's books. She really didn't want to be responsible for Castle losing another of his close friends, nor did she want to risk having him removed from the precinct, but she had a job to do.

Her phone rang again, and she grabbed it, thinking at first that it might be the precinct, but it wasn't. It was him...Smith.

"Detective Beckett, do you remember me? I called you once before about Richard Castle's safety, and your own." The voice had no emotional inflection. Like she tried to have at the beginning of an interrogation. She found it unnerving for her own techniques to be used on her.

"Yes, I remember." Something about the timing of this call unnerved her.

"Once again, detective, it seems that we need to talk." said the voice on the other end of the line. "There are greater forces at play here, more is at stake than you realize."

He gave her an address to a parking garage with the admonition to come along. She wrote it down, and got dressed. This kind of clandestine meeting was like something out of one of Rick's books, she didn't like it.

….

An hour later, she was walking toward the designated section of the parking garage, when a familiar voice rose from the shadows.

"Right there, detective, that'll be fine."

"Castle's right, Weldon isn't behind this, and you know it. Why did you offer to help?" Kate asked. "He's right about the conspiracy against him, isn't he?"

Smith nodded at her from the shadows, "He isn't wrong."

"What am I supposed to do?" Kate asked.

"Listen to the evidence," Smith said as a car came around the corner into their section of the garage, "That's what Laura did, detective."

"Castle and I watched that video a hundred times," Kate replied, frustration creeping into her tone, "There's nothing there!"

The car picked up speed, its tire squealing in their direction, as Smith raised his voice to be heard,

"That's not what I said, Detective!"

The car passed between them, and by the time her vision cleared, Smith was gone.

….

As it turned out, Smith had been right. The answers had been in the audio, not the video. As it turned out, an assistant to Weldon's chief of staff had been duped into helping person's yet unknown frame the mayor, destroy his political aspirations and intended to run him out of office. Before she could question him further, a very high priced attorney had pulled him out of interrogation, and that was the last she'd seen of him. Something was fishy, it was too neat. Just like Castle had said about the first case they had ever worked together.

She had to know why. So she called him again.

….

"Why did you contact me again, detective? Smith asked, once again in the shadows of the parking garage, "The case is resolved."

"Resolved?" Kate shot back at him, "How is it resolved? Somebody tried to destroy this city's mayor, and they tried to use me to do it. I want to know who."

"Trust me when I say it's not your concern." Smith replied tersely.

"It is if it involves Rick Castle, or my mother's murder." She stated flatly.

"You work with a writer, finish this sentence." Smith shot back, "If Weldon had been run out of office..."

"...Castle would be gone from the 12th Precinct." Kate finished, it became clear to her then.

"Then you have your answer, Detective." Smith stated. "They are trying to whittle away your support system, rattle your cage enough to get you to break the deal that's keeping you and your friends out of harm's way."

"You did this to protect me?" Kate responded, "Why?"

"Do you play chess, Detective? Smith asked, "There are times when a well placed pawn is more powerful than a king."

With that, Smith turned and began to walk away.

"I have your number if I need to reach you!" Kate shouted to his back.

"You don't reach me, detective," he replied as he disappeared into the shadows, "I reach you."

With that, he was gone. Case closed.

….

When Kate got home from meeting Smith, it hit her how lonely it was in her apartment without Alexis there. She hadn't realized how much she had enjoyed having Castle's teenage daughter stay with her. She brought a light, happy spirit to her apartment that she hadn't realized had been missing, now her place seemed even more empty and sterile than it had before.

Her return home, however, had had a stabilizing effect on her father that worked wonders on his emotional state. Kate doubted he would have recovered nearly as quickly from the depression that had threatened to consume him during the Sniper case. If she ever she had had any doubt about how central Alexis was to her father's life, the month they were apart would have eliminated it.

Alexis' major complaint to her, however was that she was beginning to feel smothered by her father's near constant attention, not to mention his attempts to make up not only for the incident that separated them, but for the time they had spent apart. To this end, she had recently asked her to help her get an internship with the medical examiner's office. Though the timing seemed to be a bit odd, she couldn't find a good reason to say no.

….

Alexis felt guilty for lying to Kate about why she wanted the internship. It was true that she needed more civic activities for college, but that isn't why she did it. She needed access to the medical examiner's files. It wasn't like she could simply walk into the 12th Precinct, bat her baby blue eyes and get what she wanted, like she had with Captain Montgomery when she wanted to help with the Haley Blue investigation. She'd had him and Kate's fellow detectives wrapped around her little finger five minutes after she walked in the door.

From what she'd heard, however, this Captain Gates was more likely to have her escorted out of the building, and kick her father out with her. She would have to both dazzle this Dr. Parrish with her brilliance and baffle her with some Castle-style bullshit to get access to the information she wanted. She had an innocent face and she knew how to use it, something her father knew only too well. Good thing for her he had _not_ made that information common knowledge.


	11. Old Flames and Reopened Wounds

**Chapter Eleven  
****Old Flames and Reopened Wounds**

Richard Castle's lungs were on fire.

He could feel his heart hammering in his chest. His eyesight was beginning to gray out. He'd found Kate's gun, but couldn't seem to get it out from under the seat. He found a small pocket of air, but that was beginning to run out. He had to get that gun. He had to save Kate. He was not leaving this car without her, if she died, it would be his tomb as well because he wasn't leaving her.

He felt her hand disturbing the water nearby, trying to find him, but he couldn't spare the oxygen to reach for her hand. He wrapped his fingers around the grip of Kate's Glock. Could feel her thrashing in her panic to get free. He had to pull it free from the springs. His vision was starting to darken as he finally yanked it lose. Kate had stopped moving. _No, no, no, no, no_. he had taken too long. _No! _

When he returned to the front of the now nearly flooded car he gasped a lungful of air then shot away the fastener to the seat belt holding her in place. _She still had a pulse!_ He thought, _there was still time!_ He emptied the remaining rounds into the back windshield, dropped her gun and dragged her limp, still form from the car.

It seemed to take an eternity to get to the surface but he deeply inhaled a lungful of air. Kate was pale and still, she had a pulse but wasn't breathing. He pinched her nose and forced a breath of air into her lungs. On the third try she began to cough and spat out the cold river water. Her breathing was shallow, and she was beginning to shiver. He held her close making soothing sounds as he backstroked toward shore. He was glad that when she walked back into his life she made him swim laps in that damned pool.

He'd managed to half carry, half drag her shivering body out of the cold water of the East River, but they were slowly freezing out here. She was still coughing but at she was alive. His nightmare (which still plagued him from time to time, but not as much in recent weeks) had been averted, but he knew he'd suffer for it when he went to bed. He would _definitely_ be taking the pill Dr. Burke had prescribed him to put him all the way out tonight. He couldn't risk waking up and drinking himself into a stupor, Alexis was just starting to trust him again.

Thankfully a beat cop had been out on solo patrol and he managed to flag him down. They sat huddled together under a blanket in his squad car with the heat all the way up until the cavalry came.

….

They rode in silence in the back of Sophia Turner's company SUV. The CIA station chief, and Castle's former muse had been absolutely fuming when she arrived on the scene to find that Nelson Blakely was dead. The look she had given Castle had nearly frozen his blood. Kate was still a little upset at him about his previous relationship with Sophia and he had just begun to bridge that issue when they were trapped in her car. They were both still in an emotional turmoil from their experience.

Kate slid her hand across the back of her seat, searching for Rick. They both had the dark hoods on and could see nothing. She felt around the seat till her fingers brushed his and latched onto his hand for support. His skin was still cold from the river and he was shaking, but not entirely from the cold. She could tell he was barely holding it together, not wanting to lose it in front of Sophia and her driver. She gave his hand a sympathetic squeeze, and he flipped his hand and returned it. His larger hand engulfed hers, and he stilled as if drawing strength from the connection.

When they arrived at the CIA field station and the hoods were removed, Sophia was no less livid, and she laid into Rick almost as soon as his hood was off.

"You know I really thought, I really thought you had changed, but you know what?" she raged, "You are the same reckless, immature, self-centered jackass that you always were, and you put this investigation at risk!"

Castle practically wilted under her verbal assault. He lacked the emotional reserves to stand up to her

"Look, I'm sorry..." he began feebly, but Sophia cut him off and continued her relentless verbal attack on him.

"You're sorry? We are on the verge of the next 9/11 or worse!" she seethed, "This isn't one of your damn books, Rick, this is real life, and when things go bad, you can't just rewrite the ending like you did with us!"

Rick blanched as if he had been stabbed in the heart as she dismissed them and turned to Danberg.

"Get them both out of here!"

Cold jealousy flared in Kate's eyes.

As they rode back, to the 12th, she made no attempt to comfort him, or even lean in his direction. When he reached out to touch her hand, she yanked hers away, and Rick was lost, alone in his turmoil. Sophia had cut him to the quick, but Kate's angry rejection was the cruelest cut of all.

Under his hood tears slid down his cheeks, pooling where it gathered at his neck. There were three other people in the car, yet since last summer he had never felt so completely alone.

….

When they arrived down at Lanie's morgue after learning the body had never arrived, Kate's seething hatred of Sophia Turner and all things CIA, was in full bloom. Now she had nowhere to start and that bitch held all the cards.

"That's impossible! How could they get a court order that fast?" Rick asked incredulously.

"I don't know. Maybe you should ask your girlfriend." Kate snapped at him, and regretted it as soon as the words left her mouth.

"Girlfriend?" Lanie asked, her eyebrow arching up her forehead. None of them noticing that Alexis had entered the lab.

"Yes! Okay, we slept together! It was a long time ago, what's the big deal?" Rick yelled, having finally had enough of Kate's verbal abuse.

"There is no big deal! Sleep with whoever you want! The more the merrier!" Kate shot back, the stricken look on Castle's face as she said it made Kate's heart clench in her chest. She knew she was wounding him deeply, kicking him when he was at his lowest and most vulnerable, but this jealous bone that had arisen in her was in control.

Alexis cleared her throat behind her, and for the first time Kate regretted helping her get the internship down here.

"I have those uh, toxicology reports you wanted."

Kate turned her head, instantly ashamed and mortified. _Oh, shit, now I've done it, way to hit him below the belt, Beckett_, she thought to himself, e_masculate him right in front of his daughter_.

Kate new that taking her frustration out on Rick was unfair. His relationship with Sophia had likely ended before Alexis had finished the first grade. Even before he had married Gina. It wasn't like she had been celibate before him, or even _after_ they'd met.

She saw how badly Sophia's tirade had shaken him. He was pushed to the brink by her blistering attack. Piling her own jealous barbs on him was _not_ helping. But picturing Rick and Sophia together just pushed all of the wrong buttons in her. She didn't know where all of this anger and jealousy was coming from. Was it the muse thing, or was it something deeper, more primal? She didn't know.

She couldn't shake the thought that she may have dug the hole awfully deep this time and then merrily shoved Castle right into it. She hated it when she knew she was wrong. Especially after she'd been such a bitch. Now he was pulling away again and she only had herself to blame.

….

No sooner had Rick and Alexis walked into the loft, she began giving him the third degree.

"Who was Beckett talking about?" she asked

"None of your business." he replied, "Go to bed."

"The woman at the docks." she shot back, almost indignant, "Who is she?"

"Nobody" he said, a dark dangerous tone creeping into his voice.

"I saw the way you looked at her, she's _not_ nobody." she pushed again

"It doesn't matter who she is, because I'm never going to see her again," this time a flash of anger entered his voice, "_now go to bed_." he said through clenched teeth.

For the first time since that dark night she was trying to forget, she saw, for a split second, that dark angry "_not dad_" side of her father that frightened her and she hurried up the stairs. She knew then that she had pushed him too far...

….

Things had progressively gone from bad to worse over the course of the next day. They followed the lead that Sophia had gone to the loft to give him. Then tracked down where Blakely lived, caught Gage, and got him into one of the CIA's interrogation rooms, but he wasn't forthcoming with information. When they went back in to try again, he was dead. Martin Danberg had been revealed as the mole, but then he had escaped. So far the only good new was that they had identified the girl in the photograph.

They knew where he was going.

When they arrived on the scene with Sophia they met up with Agent Corrigan and walked through an abandoned parking garage, they stopped when they heard Sophia disengage the safety on her Sig Sauer.

She sent her accomplice on to carry out the mission to kill the girl, and proceeded to flesh out the story for Rick and Kate. Outline the course of her treason. Through all of it, Kate's sympathy for Castle grew as his self esteem waned.

"I don't buy it," Castle said, still unable to grasp the enormity of what he was hearing. His ability to deal with the scope of his former muse's betrayal hanging by a thread. "The Sophie I know would never sell out her country, not for money, not for anything."

Sophia laughed in his face.

"Well that's one thing you got wrong Rick." she replied tauntingly,

"_Eto ne moja strana nikoda ne byla" _

The realization of just how wrong he was about her hit him like a runaway train, as the smoothly unaccented Russian spilled from her mouth.

"On your knees, right now, both of you!" She commanded as she kicked Kate's knees out from under her dropping her to a kneeling position. Rick dropped to his knees beside her.

"You're not going to get away with this." Beckett said, not quite believing it herself.

"Of course I will." Sophia shot back, "I'll just tell them how we all tried to stop it and couldn't, and the two of you were killed in the progress. By Danberg, of course."

"Don't worry, I'll make it sound heroic, your father will be very proud."

Beckett turned and stared at Rick, her eyes overflowing with concern, this was the last thing he needed dangled in font of him in his tormented, vulnerable state.

"My father?" he choked out.

"Well you don't think you gained special access to the CIA back then because of your charm."

The shock began to slowly overwhelm him, and his eyes migrated from Sophia to Beckett to the floor. His ability to process what he was hearing was beginning to slip away.

"You really don't know, do you?" She said, noting the confusion spreading over his face, and smiled, knowing that she was twisting the knife just that little bit deeper as she pressed her gun to the back of his head. Castle's worse fear was coming true. She was going to kill him and make Kate watch, he would die knowing that Kate would be next...

"I guess you never will"

"NO!" Beckett screamed as a shot rang out, and Sophia dropped dead to the floor. Castle's eyes went wide, rooted to her body, her eyes wide open, a pool of blood beginning to radiate from her. He had nothing left as Danberg ran up to them. Ricks eyes were open, but unfocused.

"Come on, it's just us, and we're out of time." Danberg shouted, already on his way out of the room.

Kate looked down at Castle for a moment. He hadn't moved, his eyes were glazed over as he stared down at a woman he had once cared deeply for, lying dead in a pool of her own blood. The pistol she was going to kill him with still clutched in her lifeless hand. He was rooted to the spot, his entire world had come crashing down. She had taunted him with knowledge of a father he had never known, and now would never know.

He had suffered too many shocks to his system, and Beckett knew that she had administered some of them herself today. She followed Danberg out to save the girl, but her heart ached for the man she left kneeling there, lost in his own confusion and pain. Memories of his own shooting playing over and over again intermingled with his own dark imaginings of the alternate scenario.

….

"_Eto ne moja strana nikoda ne byla"_

_Rick was on his knees, a gun pressed into the back of his head. Alexis lay face down in front of him in a rapidly growing pool of her own blood, alongside the body of his mother. They had made him watch as his absolute failure to protect the ones he loved was shown to be complete. Sophia Turner's disembodied voice rose up as if from nowhere._

"_Don't worry, Rick, I'll make it sound heroic. Your father will be very proud."_

_Followed by a loud noise and a bright flash and then...nothing._

Rick Castle woke up screaming.

"Mother! Alexis! No!"

He was drenched in sweat from head to toe, and shaking uncontrollably as Kate burst into his bedroom. She sat at the head of his bed and pulled his head to her chest, running her fingers through his hair.

"Shhh, it's all right, Rick, you're safe now. Everything will be all right." Kate whispered, along with soft soothing noises.

"Mother, and Alexis..." he began,

"They're safe, Castle," Kate said soothingly, "asleep in their rooms."

"The dream felt so real." he mumbled, then told her haltingly about it, what he could articulate into words anyway. He was still so very tired...

"I know, Rick," she whispered, "try to back to sleep."

Kate eased his head back onto the pillow, not knowing that one detail of his dream, the one he had been careful not to tell her, was still troubling him greatly.

The woman holding the gun to his head, the one who executed him was not Sophia Turner.

It was Kate Beckett.


	12. Paying the Piper

**Chapter 12  
****Paying the Piper**

Alexis Castle had gained access to the OCME secure database scant days ago. Whomever had set it up had been negligent where the password protection had been concerned and she bypassed the firewalls with comparative ease. She had better security for her dad's fan site and that had millions of people accessing it on a daily basis. She needed to know everything, by fair means or foul. She could not protect her father if she didn't know from whence the threat came.

She knew this case held a siren's call effect on Detective Beckett. Though she had shown an amazing ability to set it aside lately, she could neither ignore it for long, nor walk away when it beckoned. The young redhead could not fathom the pain that Kate felt when her mother was murdered and her father turned to the bottle for years, left alone with her anguish. Just a few months of her father being lost to the bottle and that one terrible night still haunted her dreams. She couldn't imagine it going on for five years.

Her father had been stupid to dig into it behind her back. It started her on a downward spiral that led to the death of Captain Montgomery, and her father pushing her out of the way of a sniper's bullet last May. This is where her dad's sense of guilt began, nearly at the beginning of their relationship. She found the data that had been dug up by her father's forensic expert that Lanie had compared to find Dick Coonan. This is where it started for him. She copied all of the files from 1995 through 2001 to her portable hard drive and logged out of the system. She would study the files at home and lessen her chances of being caught.

Unbeknownst to Alexis, a decidedly non-NYPD issue security program tripped and sent a signal via secure server to a computer terminal in a NYC based CIA field office belonging to a man known only as Agent Gray. He sent the following text to Richard Castle:

_**Armen/Beckett murder files accessed via OCME database  
21:30 hrs. local time**_

Richard Castle had been writing when he received the text message from Agent Gray. The eventuality he had been dreading for months had finally arrived. He would have to watch Kate closely, but not be swayed by her charms or by his own desires for their relationship to expand.

It's timing could not have been worse. The Boylen plaza bombing had left them all feeling raw and on edge. Kate had laid into the man who had inadvertently moved the bomb from a relatively harmless position where it would have created an otherwise harmless explosion to the prime kill zone killing five people and wounding twenty eight. She had broken him in the box by using his shooting as an example. It had been a difficult and horrifying case for all of them, set in motion by an overly ambitions journalist looking to make a name for herself.

He could still see the little boy dead in the rubble. His broken body reminded him of Alexis. How the world is not a safe place no matter how much we would like it to be. No matter how much he would like to make it so for his daughter. Since Sophia's re-emergence and her subsequent actions he could feel himself sliding back toward the depths where he had been during the sniper case. The bombing investigation had only accelerated it.

He will need to distance himself emotionally from Kate, at least in the short term if he was going to be able to do what must be done. If she had found something new she would be on it like a hound on a sent, and almost as single minded. He no longer trusted himself to protect Alexis. In his current state he was almost as much a danger to her as the scum he helped Kate put away. For her to be safe and secure, Kate Beckett must survive. The dragon must fall.

He felt a sudden wave of sadness for his daughter and the woman he loved.

They won't understand.


	13. Once More Into the Rabbit Hole

**Chapter Thirteen  
****Once More Into the Rabbit Hole**

Kate Beckett could feel Rick slipping away from her. Even when he was sitting next in his customary chair in the precinct with her, his heart seemed to be elsewhere. He was attentive, answered her questions, even participated in building theory with her and the team. But emotionally, he was distant.

She knew that the Boylen Plaza bombing had effected him deeply on a visceral level, but now he seemed to be shutting down a little at a time. She was very worried about him. When she had gone underover with Scotland Yard Detective Colin Hunt he barely seemed to notice. Though there was a flash of the old Castle when she had walked into the precinct in the black cocktail dress she had worn that night, he had pushed it down so quickly it had nearly brought tears to her eyes.

To say she was beginning to worry about his sanity was putting it mildly. Alexis had called her last week, and told her that he had stopped seeing Dr. Burke. His daughter had only found out because his receptionist had called about three missed appointments in as many weeks. Though he had not started drinking again, he had grown darker in temperament, short and secretive with his daughter in recent weeks.

She had taken to locking herself in her room again. Not that he had done anything, but Alexis' own demons were manifesting as a result of her father's. Kate would need to do something to intervene soon, before it was too late, and Rick Castle came completely unraveled.

That of course, was before fate cruelly intervened.

Captain Montgomery's house was broken into, files had been stolen and everything in Kate's world was suddenly turned on it's head.

The sniper who had been sent to kill her, and had shot Castle instead was back.

Before the body had dropped, and the DNA had come back, Kate had manged to talk Rick into staying home for a couple of days and preparing for his daughter's graduation.

After it had dropped she had gone to Gates and gotten her to make it official, he was not to come back to the precinct until the man had been caught. What she had omitted from her conversation with Gates, was that the sniper had actually been targeting her, and now she had a score to settle.

She was now, well beyond the rabbit hole, with no one left to get in her way.

Or so she thought.

Richard Castle had seen this particular move on Kate's part coming and had prepared for it. He had explained what he was doing to Ryan...at least partially.

On the offhand chance she tried something like this to get him out of the way for his protection, he had arranged for Ryan to keep tabs on Kate for him. If Kate started to get in over her head, or she began to behave erratically he would call him.

Until then, he would let Kate play this out her way and hope things didn't spin so far out of hand that he would be unable to pull her back from the ledge, or in the worst case scenario interject himself between her and danger.

Before he could contemplate his plan of action more fully, Alexis came down the stairs dressed to the nines, and carrying her cap and gown in a garment bag.

Unbeknownst to him, his daughter had picked his pocket and turned off his cell phone in the elevator...


	14. Confrontation

**Chapter Fourteen  
****Confrontation**

After Alexis' speech Castle and Martha went backstage to congratulate her. Her Valedictorian address had been a rousing hit. Instead of the smile they expected, Alexis had a worried frown, her eyebrows knit.

"What happened to Kate?" she asked "I thought she was coming."

Castle shrugged, half suspecting the truth of what was happening at the precinct.

"Dad, I overheard you and Gram talking downstairs last night," Alexis began, "about Kate's mother's case. She wasn't the one looking into it...that was me."

"WHAT?" Castle said hoarsely, "Do you have any idea how much danger you've put yourself in? That you've put Kate and everyone else in? The people who killed her mother are dangerous..."

He took out his cell phone to call Ryan and saw that it was turned off When he turned it on, there were ten missed calls from Ryan on it. Suddenly it vibrated again with a call from his number. Without hesitation he accepted it.

"Castle." he stated.

"Castle, I've been trying to reach you for half an hour! It's Javi and Beckett...they've gone after Maddox on their own, I tried to talk them down, get them to wait for backup but they wouldn't listen, they froze me out. I'm texting you the address, if you hurry you might be able to talk her down before they do something stupid!"

He could hear Ryan's anguish with the dilemma he was facing, shortly after his cell beeped with the texted address.

"I'm on my way, Ryan, if you don't hear from me in forty-five minutes call Gates and bring as many cops as you can find!"

He cast a furious glance at Alexis, who, unable to meet his gaze, stared meekly at the floor, and said sternly to Martha,

"Mom call the car service, I want both of you to get back to the loft, when you get there lock the doors and the windows. Don't let anybody in, unless you hear from myself, Ryan or Kate."

Brandishing the keys to the town car he ran for the door. He only hoped he could get there in time.

Castle ran up the stairs to the hotel room where Maddox had been staying. When he reached the appropriate floor, he saw the door broken off its hinges. As he walked in, he saw Espo on the floor. After checking his pulse, he pulled Javi's service weapon from it's holster and headed for the roof.

He burst through the rooftop access door just in time to see Kate go over the side.

"Noooooo!"

Javi's gun was forgotten, dropped to the rooftop. Castle ran at Maddox as he turned around, catching him in a near perfect flying tackle. Maddox rolled out to one side, Castle to the other and he charged the assassin again, managing to connect with one blow to the side of his head, rocking Maddox back, and a fist to his midsection, which was skillfully deflected, leaving Castle off balance.

Maddox kneed him in the stomach, then pounded him in the solar plexus when he was bent over, slamming him hard to the rooftop. He circled the panting mystery writer, with a taunting expression on his face.

"You'll find I am a bit more formidable than Lockwood, Mr Castle. He was way past his prime and he underestimated you. I won't"

"You'll find I'm full of surprises." Castle replied.

He threw a handful of gravel from the bad roof job at Maddox and charged at him. Maddox rotated away at the last second, stepping into and around Castle's poorly executed attack, slamming him face first into the rooftop access door. He punched him hard between the kidneys, kicked out Castle's left knee, then kneed him in the side of the head, effectively ending the fray. Castle was left barely conscious and bleeding on the rooftop.

"Too bad, Mr. Castle" he said tauntingly, loud enough for Kate to hear from where she was hanging from the ledge, "if you'd stepped aside and let me go, you _might_ have been able to save Detective Beckett over there."

"Kate..." Rick moaned aloud as Maddox walked unimpeded for the stairs, then saw only shadows.

"Castle!" Kate cried aloud from where she was hanging. She got no answer.

"Help me!" she cried out

"Castle" she whispered to herself, not knowing if he was alive or dead, as her right hand slipped from the ledge.

"Beckett!" came Castle's disembodied reply as if from out of nowhere. "Beckett!"

"Castle I'm here!" she shouted back.

"Nooo...oh God...Castle!"

"Beckett, hang on!"

"Castle!" as her other hand slipped from the roof.

"Beckett!" a different voice shouted.

As if out of nowhere, a hand latched onto her wrist, arresting her fall from the roof. A white gold wedding band gleaming in the afternoon sunlight. It was Ryan! With the assistance of two large ESU officers he managed to pull her back onto the roof.

"Castle?" she asked, her eyes imploring him, and he motioned with his head toward the rooftop doorway where Castle lay crumpled on the deck, being checked out by the paramedics.

She ran to where he lay, unconscious and bleeding from lacerations on his hands and up his arms, a garish bruise forming on his temple. Mute testimony to his heroic, near suicidal act of attempted self sacrifice. Kate wept unashamedly over him. He was down, but at least he was alive.

Only after the medics had strapped him to the gurney and airlifted him from the roof, did Kate look up and see the scowling face of Victoria Gates. Cold, silent rage seeming to burn from every pore.


	15. Aftermath

**Chapter Fifteen  
****Aftermath**

Former Detective Kate Beckett had been wandering the city for hours. It had recently started raining and she was soaked to the skin but she didn't care about anything anymore. Not losing her job, not her health, not her soaked through clothes, nothing. She had done it...again. She had let herself get sucked into this case all over again, pushed away anyone who tried to get in her way. Castle had been hurt...again...in the misguided belief that her life was worth saving at the expense of his own.

_Over the past year she had learned nothing._

Gates had been furious. Suspended both her and Javi on the spot for their actions. Not only had she gotten the man she loved critically injured, but had managed to drag the man who had been like a brother to her all these years down in flames with her. Kate had spent two hours sitting alone in a holding cell because Gates was actually so totally beyond furious, she had filed criminal charges against her, _obstruction of justice_, ironically, slapped the cuffs on herself.

Somehow, Ryan had managed to talk her down.

Gates herself had come down to holding, opened her cell dropped a box onto the cot next to her containing the personal effects from her desk and locker. The dark cinders of her eyes willing to brook neither argument nor debate. She spoke only two words as she turned on her heel and stalked away.

"_Get out."_

Kate had gone to her apartment first. Pulled one of her paintings off the wall, heard its frame make a satisfying crack as it bounced twice on the the floor before landing face down. Her eyes then turned angrily to the shutters in her living room. Stalking over to them, she yanked them open so hard she had nearly pulled them off their hinges, They hit the wall on each side of the window with a loud smack of wood on drywall, their handles digging furrows where they had struck.

With impotent rage, her eyes flooding with tears she began tearing her makeshift murder board off the window and shutters to the sound of loud sniffling, and crumpling paper. She continued her assault on the case which had become the bane of her existence, until she came to the crime scene photo of her mother dead in the Washington Heights alley. She pulled it down, hugged it to her chest dropped to her knees and curled up in a fetal position, sobbing uncontrollably.

When she was again able to find her feet, she grabbed her jacket stalked from the apartment, not even bothering to lock the door. It had started raining not long after, cloud to cloud lightning streaking the sky. She was beyond caring.

Alexis Castle was curled up in her bed sobbing. She had been crying for what had seemed like hours. Every time she came close to stopping, her mind would go back to her father being wheeled into the hospital, beaten and battered from his fight with the assassin. Kate had called her, told her that her dad was being airlifted to Cedar Sinai. She had been on the roof when the helicopter arrived, but her ME's office credentials could get her only so far, though.

She had been pushed back from entering the ER with him. He'd needed minor emergency surgery as his three broken ribs were pushing perilously close to one of his lungs. They also treated his concussion and immobilized the hairline fracture in his wrist which thankfully only required a splint. He'd been relieved to hear that Kate was indeed alive, information supplied to him by Detective Ryan, who had called Captain Gates and had arrived in the nick of time to pull her off the ledge.

When her father turned his eyes on her though, anger flared in them. He was furious with her, but instead of yelling, instead of admonishing her again for setting this whole thing in motion, he said nothing. He accepted the squeeze of her hand, and kiss on the forehead, even kissed her back, but the angry glare he leveled on her spoke volumes.

When she could no longer stand the heat of her father's accusing eyes and the stabbing guilt in her own conscience, she fled. She didn't know how she had ended up at the loft, forgotten in the flood of her tears that Jenny Ryan had found her in the waiting room and driven her home.

There was still no sign of Kate Beckett. Everyone had expected her to show up at the hospital after Gates had released her from holding, but she hadn't been seen since. When her cell phone chirped three times, announcing several missed text messages, Alexis' head snapped up. There were two from Dr. Parrish. The first inquired if she was OK, the second asked a simple question.

**Have you heard from Kate?**

Everyone must really be worried sick if even Dr. Parrish didn't know where Kate was. Alexis sent a simple response.

**No, to both. :-(**

Alexis was devastated. Her father had never been so absolutely furious with her. Disappointed once or twice, but never had she seen such anger directed at her from him before. In her heart she felt she deserved it, too. She had allowed her father to believe Kate was investigating again when it had been her all long. Saw him growing cold and distant but had done nothing to stop it. Turned off his cell phone without his knowledge to keep him at her graduation.

_Perhaps, if he had gotten the call from Ryan sooner he might have been able to prevent this. _

She thought remorsefully to herself. He wouldn't have felt the need to go up to that roof, wouldn't have tried to take on the assassin himself, wouldn't be lying strapped to a hospital bed under 48 hours psychiatric observation because of those damned counseling sessions he had skipped because of what she had done.

She saw only one possible course of action. One conceivable way to redeem herself in the eyes of her father. She would have to do the one thing that half the NYPD seemed to be unable or unwilling to do.

She had to find Kate Beckett.


	16. Resolution

**Chapter Sixteen  
****Resolution**

Alexis Castle had been driving the town car up and down the streets of Manhattan nearly all night. The parallels to the last time she had driven the town car into the city from the Hamptons last summer were difficult to ignore. Though at least she had her driver's license and was on her dad's insurance this time.

She had so far found no sign of Kate Beckett.

The first place she had looked in her search had been Kate's apartment. She had taken the elevator up to find the door unlocked. Upon entering, she found the scene of the older woman's meltdown the night before. Her first thought was that the place had been broken into, but the mess seemed to be only a single painting face down on the floor with a broken frame and a bankers box with the personal effects from her desk at the precinct in it sitting on the floor.

As Alexis stepped farther inside, she saw that Kate's murder board had been torn from the window and shutters. The crumpled remains of it littered the living room floor, her mother's picture face up on the coffee table. The memory of how the shutters had remained closed and untouched since last May echoed in her mind. Kate had set it aside for them, and yet _she_ had gone and dug it up anyway. Somehow, her father had found out, and thought it was Kate.

Now that she saw the pattern, she understood why she should have left well enough alone. She had been selfish, arrogant, and stupid, traits she had always despised in others. She had always believed that she was above such foolishness. Kate and her dad had both almost died as a result. It had redoubled her resolve to set right what she had torn asunder as a result of her meddling in things she did not understand. She picked up Kate's house keys and cell phone from the coffee table, dutifully locked the door, and gone back to the car.

It was after two AM, Alexis was on her fifth double espresso, and could barely see straight as she pulled the town car back into its parking space in the apartment complex. She was far too wired to go to bed, so on a whim, she took the elevator up to the lobby, and walked out the front door to get some air.

Sitting on the sidewalk with her back against the building, her knees pulled up to her chest was a soaking wet, shivering Kate Beckett. The storm had driven the temperature down to nearly 40 degrees and she was only wearing a thin denim jacket over her street clothes.

"D-d-didnt k-know wh-where else to g-g-go.." she muttered through purple lips and chattering teeth. Alexis helped her up, threw one of Kate's arms over her shoulders, grabbed the back of her belt and guided her into the building. Thanking God, the universe and the great pumpkin that Kate was both alive, and for once she wasn't wearing her power heels.

On their way up in the elevator, she sent a text message to Dr. Parrish.

**Found Kate, U can call off  
search parties. If U C dad tell  
him she's safe & send my love  
I'll take good care of her.**

**A.C.**

The first order of business was to get Kate's core body temperature back to a healthy level. To this end, Alexis grabbed a pair of sweats, a brand new pair of underwear (still in the plastic) a t-shirt and a pair of socks from her closet, handed them to Kate and sent her into her dad's bathroom to take a hot bath. When she heard the water stop running, and the quiet splashing noises of Kate sliding into the tub, she brought the older woman a cup of hot chocolate, which she left on a stool next to her, as she collected Kate's soaking wet clothes to put in the washing machine. After starting the wash cycle, she walked into the kitchen and began to prepare a simple hot meal of macaroni and cheese for the two of them. It had been a long night.

She'd seen the bruises forming on Kate's neck, upper back and right hand, and suspected she had more of them elsewhere on her body if what she'd heard from Ryan had been accurate. All because she had delayed her father for nearly an hour by turning off his cell phone. She felt the tears rimming her eyes and didn't even bother trying to hold them back as they coursed down her cheeks.

There wasn't much she could do for her dad until the psych hold was up tomorrow night so the best she could do for him for now was look after Kate. She owed them both so much more than that after the mess she'd made of things, but at least it was a start.

Richard Castle lay in his hospital bed, isolated from outside contact under the orders of Dr. Burke. He had missed three counseling sessions and then threw himself at a trained assassin. An action that many of his friends had feared was a veiled suicide attempt. The way he'd been acting the past three weeks, and how he'd behaved toward Alexis after they wheeled him out of surgery hadn't helped his case much.

Lying in his hospital bed alone in the dim lighting with nothing but his thoughts, he really couldn't blame them for that assessment. Thinking back, he wasn't entirely sure what had come over him, rage...fear...grief, he simply couldn't say. When he saw Maddox toss Kate over the side of the roof something in him had just...snapped. Everything after that was simply a blur.

"_If you'd stepped aside and let me go, you might have been able to save Detective Beckett over there."_

Maddox's parting shot chilled him to the bone. She had survived her encounter with the trained killer (no thanks to _you_ his guilt ridden mind accused) but the last thing he'd heard from Ryan before being wheeled off to isolation, was that she hadn't been seen or heard from since Gates had released her from holding.

She was out there, somewhere with no badge, no gun and no backup. She had a target on her back in a city of 8 million people, some of whom wanted her dead. When the tears came, he made no attempt to hold them back.

He felt like a complete failure.

**8:00 AM the following morning**

Dr. Burke had decided to lift the psych hold on Richard Castle twelve hours early. He was lucid and self aware when they had spoken the night before. In his professional opinion as his therapist, the anxiety of keeping him isolated from his friends, family and co-workers had potential to cause diminishing returns on his recovery.

The first person to visit him apart from medical staff and Dr. Burke over the past day and a half was Lanie Parrish. She had her scrubs from OCME on and was obviously on her way to work (no bodies had dropped so she didn't have to go in early) She was quiet the first few minutes, checking his file, adjusting his IV, and inspecting the splint on his wrist. If she was testing him to see how long it would take for him to break, she didn't have to wait long.

"Hey Lanie."

"Don't you _'Hey Lanie'_ me Richard Castle!" she hissed at him. "Do you have any idea what you put Kate through? What you put all of us through? While you were playing Conan the Barbarian with a trained killer, my girl was hanging on that roof by her fingernails! If it hadn't been for Ryan..."

As she stopped to get her angry tears under control, she saw that Castle had physically withered from her verbal assault. He would have sunk into the bed in shame if he could. He'd had a lot of time alone to think, obviously.

"Don't even get me started on your _daughter_, writer boy! Did you know that your passive aggressive, angry silent treatment had her so upset that Jenny found her crying in the waiting room and drove her home? That she felt so ashamed about turning off your cell phone that she was out _all night_ driving the streets looking for Kate? Don't ask me how that little girl of yours was able to pull off what half the NYPD couldn't, but she found her, damn near frozen stiff and almost passed out from hypothermia in front of your apartment complex!"

"Thank God." Castle whispered as Lanie caught her breath.

"Alexis told me to send you her love, and I really am glad you're ok. Don't you worry I _will_ be having a nice, long chat with _little miss sunshine_ later about abusing OCME resources. You, on the other hand might want to consider cutting her a little slack, she's had a rough couple of days."

When Alexis got the text from Lanie that her dad was out of observation and could once again have visitors, she was both ecstatic and filled with a sense of dread, she was unsure which version of her dad she was going to find when they arrived. She ran the french press and started the coffee brewing before venturing into her father's room where Kate was sleeping. She had felt apprehensive about letting her sleep there, but she had not been confident that she could have gotten Kate upstairs to the guest room in her condition.

She'd needed her help getting out of the tub and it had been all she could do to keep the look of sheer horror she felt off of her face when she saw the bruises all over Kate's body as she'd helped her get dressed. The very late dinner they'd eaten had been shared in companionable but uncomfortable silence. Kate's expression had hovered somewhere between shame and gratitude, and neither of them were really in the mood for light dinner conversation.

She laid out Kate's clothes from last night, which she had dutifully washed and dried in the laundry room, poured Kate a cup of coffee the way she liked it, and walked back in to wake her. Gram had called a few minutes ago that she was on her way over with the car service to pick them up. She was really glad she didn't have to face her father on her own.

When Alexis walked into her father's hospital room, the change in his demeanor seemed as different as night and day. She had tried to get Kate to come in with her, but she'd insisted on letting her go first. Lanie swatted her on the behind and told her her to _"get in there and face the music"_, while she gave her friend a once over with the stethoscope and blood pressure cuff she'd borrowed from one of the nurses on staff.

The broad grin on her father's face and his open arms were all the invitation she needed, and she ran to his bedside and buried herself in her father's embrace. He winced a little from the pressure on his ribs but didn't loosen his grip as he kissed the top of her head.

"I'm sorry pumpkin, I dumped a lot of stuff on you after your graduation. I took my frustration with myself out on you."

"I'm sorry too, dad, I shouldn't have turned off your cell phone, I wanted you to stay at my graduation so badly that I wasn't thinking about what might happen. When I found out what nearly happened to Kate..."

"Thank you for finding her, pumpkin, for looking out for her when I couldn't. We _will_ be having a discussion later however about driving all night on a conditional license. But, for now I'm really proud of you."

As Alexis left and Kate walked in the door, it was like all of the air had suddenly been let back into the room. She stood in the doorway for just a moment, staring at him as he looked her up and down. Suddenly the spell seemed to be broken, and she was on him in a heartbeat.

Before Castle could react, she was straddling him on the bed, showering his face and lips with kisses. After a moment's shocked hesitation, his arms were around her waist and he was passionately kissing her back.

"I'm so sorry, Castle..." she began, but he cut her off with a blistering kiss to her lips that made it difficult for her to breathe, much less think.

When they came up for air, Castle pushed her back by the shoulders for a moment.

"No Kate, it's me who should be sorry...I've been an ass...I don't know what I would have done if I'd lost you! When I saw Maddox toss you over the side of that roof..."

"I don't care that he got away," Kate interrupted, "I don't care, that I'm not a cop anymore, I don't care about any of it."

Kate planted several more kisses on the bruise on the side of his temple, his jawline, and his lips.

"All I want...all I care about...is you...I just want you."

They brought their lips together in another long soul stirring, mind numbing kiss. Their tongues danced together tasting each other as they gave in to the intense feelings of joy and love that they were finally together, finally on the same page.

The rest of what they truly wanted from their new-found union would have to wait until he got discharged.


	17. Epilogue: Always

I was asked foran M rated ending, I hope this is M Rated enough for you guys. You KNOW who you are!**  
**

* * *

**Epilogue  
****Always**

Three Days Later  
3:00 PM

The door to the Castle loft burst open and Rick nearly fell backwards inside with Kate practically plastered to him. Her legs were wrapped around his waist, and their mouths were nearly fused together in a soul numbing, mind robbing kiss that had started in the elevator. When they finally came up for air, they were halfway to Rick's office. One of Kate's high heels landed on the living room couch, the other next to his office door.

As their frenzied course continued through the office, Kate's white turtleneck wound up draped over Rick's laptop on the desk, followed shortly by Rick's dark blue button down shirt coming to rest on his murder board. Kate's bra was the next to go, it ended up on the ceiling fan as Rick pinned her back to the wall next to his bedroom door as he kissed his way down her neck to her collarbone, to her breasts until his mouth closed around her right nipple, biting down gently to the sound of Kate softly moaning his name as it stiffened. Her back arched into him, pressing her breast even deeper into his warm, wet mouth.

After a moment's pause, they rotated around the door and their mouths came together again, their tongues in a duel to the death before Rick dropped her onto his bed. Kate unbuttoned her jeans, and Rick pulled them off effortlessly as his own slacks slid to the floor. He kicked out of them and slid on top of her on his bed, renewing his assault on her breasts. Exploring them with his hands, with his mouth and his tongue. Her arched back and low moans of pleasure telling him how much she appreciated his efforts.

His kisses moved along the center of her chest and began a slow maddening tour down the front of her body, pausing a moment at her belly button then working his way lower as his fingers hooked onto her panties and tugged them over the narrow flare of her hips as Kate brought her knees up for him to slip them past her feet as he tossed them absentmindedly aside where they came to rest on the handle of his bathroom door.

He gently spread her legs and renewed his lips' assault on her inner thighs, Kate's sighs and moans increasing in tempo as his lips drew nearer and nearer to her center. As his tongue finally paused at her labia then slowly gained entry between them Kate cried out then began to whimper as he use his lips tongue and fingers to slowly drive her to total ecstasy.

He had dreamed of this moment for four long years and he was intent on taking his time, savor each sensation as he fully explored the depths of her. Her hands were tightly coiled in his hair as she rode the waves of her first orgasm of the night crying out his name. As he slid back up her body, making stops at her belly button and again her breasts before their lips came together again. He stroked her center deftly with his right hand, thankful that his wrist had only been sprained, not broken and the splint was unnecessary.

"Castle...please...Rick..I need you...please.." she moaned out between kisses.

Barely had her husky, breathless plea escaped her lips than he shucked out of his boxer briefs and was inside her, could hear her cry out as he filled her. Her back arched and her hips rose up to meet his as they quickly found their rhythm. They moved rhythmically and in sync as their pace picked up and their lovemaking became more feral more frenzied before they both cried out in mutual orgasmic bliss.

"I love you" they both breathed out in perfect harmony with each other as they kissed one more time, before, sated, they both fell asleep in each others arms.

They rarely emerged from Rick's bedroom for the better part of the weekend except to eat, use the toilet or take long steamy showers together. Alexis had rescheduled her graduation party to that weekend in the Hamptons with all of her girlfriends from Marlowe Prep, with Martha as their impromptu chaperone. Normally, Rick Castle would be incredibly worried about that prospect, but Kate managed to find increasingly interesting (and sometimes downright kinky) ways to keep him...occupied.

The house phone had rung several times, as well as Rick's and Kate's cell phones. (which by an odd twist of fate had ended up lying face up next to each other on the living room couch) But since all were in the living room they were left ignored.

Martha Rodgers tossed her cell phone on the coffee table in the beach house in Southampton.

"Mercy sakes alive, Alexis you'd think they'd have to come up for air **_sometime_**!" she exclaimed in mock exasperation.

"Ew, Gramms, just...**_eww_**! I could have lived without that picture in my brain! I came out here so I **_wouldn't_** be scarred for life!" Alexis shivered as she tried **_not_** to contemplate what Kate and her father were doing in the loft that had them ignoring their phones for the last two days.

Martha chuckled to herself. Just like Richard, her granddaughter was far too easy to tease. She'd seen this day coming since Kate Beckett had shown up at their door in the red dress that Rick had bought her and she'd loaned her her baubles. It had been far too long in coming.

Kate lay curled up naked in Rick's arms, truly sated. She couldn't believe they were finally here. Finally in each others arms. They lay there, almost beyond words...almost.

"Thank you, Rick...that was...wonderful. You have no idea."

Rick kissed her on the temple, and replied, "Always."

They shared a quick, mischievous look between them as their cell phones rang nearly in unison in the living room.

"Again?" he asked

"Again." she said with a wink.

Rick pulled the covers over them and they began again. She could do this with him forever.

Always.

The End?


End file.
